Elizabeth Rose

Last Saturday I got up at 2:00 in the morning and headed over to a birth center to be with my sister as she gave birth to her baby. This morning, a Tuesday,  she finally finished the process. She gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl.
Dear Lizzy, your mom had to go through so much to bring you here. Months of carrying you inside if herself, day of painful contractions during labor, hours of attempting to push you out of her body, and finally having to have you cut out. And she did all of this without you there To snuggle and help cope with the pain and fear. Because she loves you. This morning as she held you sleeping in her arms, she looked weak and tired from all of her exertions of the past few days. But so proud and happy, because she has the privilege of being your mother.
Then you woke up, and I heard your strong little voice crying out. I got to feel your soft skin. I saw your funny toes. And then, in spite of the doubts I had about my ability to hold something so small without damaging it, I got to hold you tight.
I love you, little darling. I want you to be strong, loved, wise, content, kind, and faithful. I want you to be happy.

My Anger Problem

The past few days have been really bad. Not because anything particularly bad has happened to me. I made them bad myself.

It started with me going to help one of my relatives make soup, which is normally a really fun thing. But on this day, everything my relative said got on my nerves. At first I was able to keep it in really well, and felt very triumphant about this. Like, "Yeah, this is fantastic. Take that, Satan." Then she said something slightly derogatory about another one of my family members, and suddenly all my anger came pouring out. This hurt her a lot.

Then I went home, where some of my friends are staying at the time. They said something rude about one of my cousins, and I started going off on them, too. At this point I was sensible enough to go do some chores. Wonderful choice, really.

But it didn't stop that day. I was shopping with two of my relatives, and they asked a question that irritated me slightly, so I spoke to them harshly. Just a little, but enough to make me feel bad.

There were numerous more incidents, but as I don't think you are interested in hearing about all of my shortcomings, I'm stopping there. For clarification, incidents like this aren't uncommon. However, usually it stays within my closest family circle, and even there it has mostly subsided in the last few months.

I can think of multiple reasons why I might be so short lately, but none of them justify this response. All I can do is try to change, and rely on my Savior.

"Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand."
-How Firm A Foundation 

(Also, following Treebeard's sage advice works: "Don't be hasty.")

What I Want

You know what I really want to do?
I want to be sunshine.
I want to help people.
I want to smile.
I want to dance.
I want to make music.
I want to love. I want to love people so much that they can't possibly feel unhappy or unwanted. I want to love them so much that they will realize just how important they really are.

Growing Up

I am afraid of so many things. Abandonment, failure, and anything about water animals are just a few. But what's been pressing on my mind most,  lately, is growing up.
I am fifteen years old. In three years, I will be legally an adult. In four years I plan to be either serving a mission or attending college. Sometime after that I plan to get married.
All of the things above sound lovely, except that I feel miserably unprepared. The only logical solution to this is to prepare myself, so I want to do that. In order to help me with this preparation, I wrote a vision for what I want to be doing next year, in five years, and in ten years. This should help me see what I need to do to prepare and give me focus when I am discouraged, even if my phrasing is awkward sometimes. The first one is definitely most clear, because it is closer and I can understand more what it will be like. (I got this idea from my friend's blog post, which is so beautiful that it almost makes me not want to share mine.)
Anyway, the following is what I wrote:
One Year-
"Today I finished the last of my classes for the school year. Taking five classes in addition to my independent studies was definitely a struggle, putting in around thirty hours a week of studying, but I finished. I didn't do everything perfectly. But I learned so much about myself and the subjects I studied, and I even did pretty well on most assignments.
The classes that I am teaching start up again soon, now that I am a little less busy. I have more clients than last year, and have significantly increased in skill. Also, I am more clear on what Ninniachel Mentoring really is, so I can help potential students understand what they're getting into.
French and Piano have both been going very well. I can even speak somewhat understandably in French, which is a small miracle.
Oh, and I'm officially the age where I can date. So that's cool."
Five Years (version 1):
"I've been on a mission for a full year now. Only six months left. Six months until I have to go back home and find new ways of serving the Lord. It seems slightly unreal, that there is anything other than preaching the truth all day long, every day.
I'm not always successful as far as numbers of converts, but I know that the Lord is pleased that I am trying. He gives me help every single day.
When I go back home I'll head to college to start getting further formal education. I'll continue working on Ninniachel Mentoring. But right now that doesn't matter. Because I'm right where I should be."
Five Years (version 2):
"I'm married to my best friend in the whole world. Never did I imagine that I would be one to get married so young, but here I am. Twenty years old and ready to face the rest of my life with my husband by my side.
The best thing about this is that he and I understand each other. We're working towards the same thing. We both want to be faithful servants of the Lord.
My mentoring has been going very well. I'm still attending college and am very busy, but make sure that my mentoring gets adequate attention. I have multiple mentors who do most of the teaching, but I teach a few students and make sure to be in contact with the rest.
Overall, everything's lovely."
Ten Years:
My husband and I are expecting a baby. Although this is still a huge event, over the past few years I think we have both been more prepared for this.
We've saved enough money that we now own a house, with a nice garden out back to help us be more self-sufficient. We both finished college, and are ready to fully devote our time to other pursuits.
Ninniachel Mentoring is still doing very well. It has grown significantly, so now much of the running has to be done by others. But it still is something that I am personally invested in, and is a force for good in the world.
So, I'm happy. And my husband's happy. And although there are definitely trials, life is good."

"O Death, Where is Thy Sting?"

The other night I had a dream. In this dream, two of my family members died. We were burying them when the dream ended. I woke up crying and hurting really badly, but then I looked up and saw a picture of my family, right after most of us were sealed together in the temple, and my heart was filled with gratitude for this family that will be together past death.
This is possible only through Christ. He has overcome death and hell for us. For you. For me.
This is why I love Easter. It is a celebration of Jesus Christ's triumph.

So, here are some song lyrics that I want to share with you about Christ:
"Restore, my dear Savior,
The light of thy face;
Thy soul-cheering comfort impart;
And let the sweet longing
For thy holy place
Bring hope to my desolate heart."
-Redeemer of Israel

"How could the Father tell the world of love and tenderness?
He sent his Son, a newborn babe, with peace and holiness.
How could the Father show the world the pathway we should go?
He sent his Son to walk with men on earth, that we may know.
How could the Father tell the world of sacrifice, of death?
He sent his Son to die for us and rise with living breath."
-He Sent His Son

" Lives again our glorious King,
Alleluia!
Where, O death, is now thy sting?
Alleluia!
Once he died our souls to save,
Alleluia!
Where thy victory, O grave?
Alleluia!
Love's redeeming work is done,
Alleluia!
Fought the fight, the vict'ry won,
Alleluia!
Jesus' agony is o'er,
Alleluia!
Darkness veils the earth no more,
Alleluia!"
-Christ The Lord is Risen Today

"Fair are the meadows,
Fairer the woodlands,
Robed in the flowers of blooming spring;
Jesus is fairer,
Jesus is purer.
He makes the sorrowing spirit sing."
-Beautiful Savior

"I'm Glad That You Were Born"

My family takes care of a baby five days a week, for about twelve hours every day. I love this baby very dearly.

When I am around her, I want to be more patient, more kind, and more loving so she can be happy and learn how to be a good person. I want to make sure that she doesn't have to be hurt by my faults. I want to teach her about Christ.

It's strange, how different this is. I love everybody. I especially love my family. But even though I love them just as much as I love this baby, it isn't quite as easy for me to be good around anyone else.

These lyrics from a song in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers express just how I feel about this beautiful baby girl:

"Through your eyes skies look brighter

Grass more green clouds are whiter.

When you're close cares grow lighter,

I'm glad that you were born.

Through your eyes hills stretch higher.

When you smile you inspire hearts to sing in a choir.

I'm glad that you were born.

Born to laugh, born to dream

Born to spread your light.

Through your eyes I see clearer

You being God so much nearer.

Life has grown so much dearer

I'm glad that you were born."

Light

Darkness is simple. It is the absence of light, not some evil to be feared. But when we are kept in it, it becomes something that is fear itself.
I thought that I wasn't afraid of the dark anymore. And I was right in a sense, because I don't fear the same things that I used to, like goblins and other monsters. But now I have an irrational emotional reaction.
Darkness is stifling. It feels all-encompassing and eternal. It disables, depresses, and suffocates us in the feeling of being lost.

But there is a solution: look towards the light. The solution to spiritual darkness is the same. We look towards the light of Christ.

 "Yes, from time to time our lives may seem to be touched by, or even wrapped in, darkness. Sometimes the night that surrounds us will appear oppressive, disheartening, and frightening.

My heart grieves for the many sorrows some of you face, for the painful loneliness and wearisome fears you may be experiencing.

Nevertheless, I bear witness that our living hope is in Christ Jesus! He is the true, pure, and powerful entrance to divine enlightenment.

I testify that with Christ, darkness cannot succeed. Darkness will not gain victory over the light of Christ.

I bear witness that darkness cannot stand before the brilliant light of the Son of the living God!"

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf