Sin No More

 John 8 begins with a familiar story of Jesus' ministry:

"8 Jesus went unto the mount of Olives.

2 And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them.

3 And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,

4 They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

5 Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

6 This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.

7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

8 And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.

9 And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.

10 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?

11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more."

Have you ever wondered what this woman did with the rest of her life? How does a person touched so personally by the Savior live the rest of their life? Did she devote herself to the ministry of Christ? Did she share her experience, or did she "treasure these things up in her heart" privately?

I have been changed by the Savior's infinite grace. Yes, I struggle with the "sin no more" part. But I am trying, and I pray to God that I can help somebody else come closer to Him through my words, my actions, my life.

How have you been changed?

Blessed Are The Peacemakers

 One of the most famous verses of scripture says this: "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God." As I was reading from the Gospels this morning, I was struck by how applicable this is to parenting. As a mother, all I do is make peace! I make peace by negotiating conflicts between my daughter and other people/objects, keeping my home, and teaching my family the gospel.

Amelia lives in a state of constant turbulence. Sometimes the opponent is a stray toy (ask me about her toy shopping cart accident that almost ended in an emergency room trip. Sometimes the problem is our very reactive rat terrier. Other times, I find myself making peace between her and Joseph as she dumps water on the floor for the sixth time that hour. Most times, it's frustrating. But I've had to learn to put that aside and learn how to communicate with people/animals who are under stress. 

I've also noticed that my and my husband's efforts to keep our home tidy and our lives organized increase the feeling of peace in our home. A few weeks ago we started holding Family Home Evenings centered on how to finally get our home tidy. We've been making (imperfect) progress since, and I feel like my mental health and ability to relate peacefully to my family have increased. I even see the impact on our toddler, as she generally seems less prone to tantrums. It's amazing the difference being able to walk through the living room without tripping makes. I'm delighted every time I eat and can actually find a clean plate! The time I spend teaching Amelia to clean is so worth it. The time Joseph and I spend cleaning up after after she's asleep is time spent promoting peace in our home.

The most important way I make peace in the home is teaching my family. Joseph and I try to read scriptures as a family during breakfast every morning. We hold family home evenings together. We sing hymns throughout the day, and Amelia kindly reminds us to pray several times a day. A typical meal involves at least three prayers initiated by our very eager 18-month-old. My mom got us a set of beautiful board books to help us teach scripture stories to our little ones as well. The gospel is the ultimate source of peace, and it's crucial to me that we have an immersive home culture. The world will never stop pushing our children the wrong way; it's up to us to keep pushing forward in Christ. 

I feel like I've been more reflective of Heavenly Father as I have pursue peacemaking in the home. My divine heritage shines more brightly as I try to cultivate the peace of the Holy Spirit in the place that matter most. What experiences have you had with peacemaking recently?

(Early) Return With Honor: Missionaries and COVID-19

COVID-19 is affecting much of the world, and missionaries are no exception. Missionaries for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints  from countries around the globe are being sent home or assigned to different missions. Early on March 21st, a Saturday, a group of more than ten young men in the iconic white shirts and ties returned to the Salt Lake City International airport from Madagascar. Three of these young missionaries shared their experience and feelings regarding the unexpected change to their mission plans. Elder Cottle from Virginia, Elder Maguet from Kentucky and Elder Wehner from Indiana stopped at at Salt Lake City International on their way to Fort Worth-Dallas and eventually home.

COVID-19 is a recent problem for Madagascar. The missionaries spent about a week making preparations for the possibility of an outbreak, despite no confirmed cases on the island. Then, the church evacuated every missionary from the island. Elder Maguet said, "When we left Madagascar two days ago, there was no coronavirus. So when all church meetings were cancelled last week, it was difficult to explain to people why church was cancelled. We said it was because of coronavirus, but people were confused because there was no coronavirus in Madagascar at that time."

The first case of COVID-19 on Madagascar was confirmed only the day before this interview, on March 20th.

Some missionaries are being reassigned to other missions, while others are being sent home early, having completed their missions. A mission is a profound experience for Latter-day Saints. Each missionary has a different reaction to these changes. Elder Maguet said, "I'm ok now. When I first found out I was sad that I had to leave three months early, because I knew I probably wouldn't ever be coming back to Madagascar." 

Elder Cottle returned home six months before his expected return date: "It hasn't really sunk in yet, I think. I was really sad about it at first for sure. ... I was really hoping to spend those six months in Madagascar, but I'm really excited to see my family."

Elder Wehner expects to be reassigned. After a few months serving elsewhere, he received his visa and served nine months in Madgascar. He said, "It's really weird because when you go on a mission, you know that you're going to go and serve for two years. ... I've been on my mission for about fourteen months. And knowing that I have this ... problem in the middle of my mission, and coming home and having to see my family and all that, I don't know. It's a little bit different than a typical missionary would expect."

Each missionary shared insights relating to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints' reaction to and preparation for the recent pandemic. The church recently suspended church meetings across the globe. Elder Maguet said, "It was really hard to explain and help [people] understand that this is a worldwide church led by the prophet, and that everything we do is by revelation. But I feel like that did help them understand, maybe, more about modern prophets and apostles ... even though there was no coronavirus there at the time. ... Like I mentioned, they didn't really understand why there was no church at first, but the district president ... said you just have to obey. It came from the prophet, so we can't figure out ways to get around it and figure out loopholes, we just have to obey even though it doesn't seem applicable for us."

Elder Wehner shared thoughts on other changes the church has enacted within the last couple years, such as a home-based church curriculum and individualized "ministering" assignments: "It's really nice to know that several years ago the prophet said to have us do ministering ...and now there's a huge push  for ministering and a huge push for these other things outside of church that will help ... Madagascar ... since there's not a lot of church there.

Although formal missionary work faces limitations at the moment, the work of the Lord continues. The three missionaries agreed that member work is the greatest way to support missionaries during these times. Elder Maguet said, "Members could ... ask the missionaries how they need help on Sundays. Maybe invite people to your house to have some sort of study of Come Follow Me. ... The people that are going to be helping people look into the church are the members, that are gonna stay there no matter what. That makes all the difference." Elder Wehner supported this statement, saying, "One thing that  ... members should do is ... go out and teach their friends the church. We always pray for member support."

How Daniel Interpreted Dreams

Last week I read about Joseph of Egypt's interpretation of dreams. I learned that he looked at symbolism with spiritual eyes, and relied on the power of God rather than of men or devils. This week I read about Daniel-- specifically his interpretation of two dreams of Nebuchadnezzar. Daniel's behavior in both instances is similar.
In the first passage, Nebuchadnezzar had a dream, but forgot what he had dreamed. He commanded all of his magicians to not only interpret his dream, but remember it for him (or die!). None of his magicians were able to. In order to save the lives of himself, his friends and the magicians, Daniel offered to discover and interpret the king's dream.
The night before he met with the king, Daniel prayed. Interestingly, he didn't only pray alone, but also with his friends. After praying, he slept and received the king's dream in a dream himself:
"Thou, O king, sawest, and behold a great image. This great image, whose brightness was excellent, stood before thee; and the form thereof was terrible. This image’s head was of fine gold, his breast and his arms of silver, his belly and his thighs of brass, his legs of iron, his feet part of iron and part of clay. Thou sawest till that a stone was cut out without hands, which smote the image upon his feet that were of iron and clay, and brake them to pieces. Then was the iron, the clay, the brass, the silver, and the gold, broken to pieces together, and became like the chaff of the summer threshing floors; and the wind carried them away, that no place was found for them: and the stone that smote the image became a great mountain, and filled the whole earth."
In the morning, he went to the king and interpreted the dream. Before offering the interpretation, however, he acknowledged the source of his interpretation to the king and the wise men:
"The secret which the king hath demanded cannot the wise men, the astrologers, the magicians, the soothsayers, shew unto the king; but there is a God in heaven that revealeth secrets…"
He also explained the reason why the secret was revealed:
"But as for me, this secret is not revealed to me for any wisdom that I have more than any living, but for their sakes that shall make known the interpretation to the king, and that thou mightest know the thoughts of thy heart."
Daniel then explained that the dream represented the kingdoms of the earth. At the last days, the great and the lesser kingdoms would all be swept away by the power of the Lord. Nebuchadnezzar accepted his interpretation and praised Daniel.
The second dream Nebuchadnezzar had (of the tree) had similar lessons. Daniel's example of interpretation in both instances taught key lessons that are applicable as we strive to interpret dreams. Daniel remained humble through the whole process. He acknowledged that he had no power to know the dream, let alone interpret it. He gave thanks to God. He directed others to know God. We need to strive for this same humility and gratitude.
He also had righteous intentions. Rather than idly wondering about the dream, he wanted to save his life and the lives of his friends. As we seek revelation, it's important to examine our intentions: do we seek revelation to sate curiosity, or for real improvement?
Daniel interpreted Nebuchadnezzar's dreams without fear. In the first dream, he prophesied of the downfall of the king's empire. In the second, he prophesied that the king would become mad. Yet he spoke boldly. The Spirit of the Lord spoke to him, and he believed.

As we humbly seek to receive revelation for righteous purposes, without fear of persecution, the Lord will make his mysteries known.

The great image from Nebuchadnezzar's dream

How Joseph Interpreted Dreams

Joseph of Egypt is known for many things-- his coat, being sold into slavery, saving an entire people. He's also unique in his ability to interpret dreams This spiritual gift is particularly striking because of the consequences: for Joseph himself, he gained comfort and assurance that he had been chosen of God. The butler and the baker learned of their fates as they waited anxiously in prison. The Pharoah, and consequently Egypt and surrounding peoples, were saved from a great famine.
This morning I read through each dream Joseph interpreted, in order to understand how he was able to interpret these dreams.
In chapter 37 of Genesis, Joseph interpreted two of his own dreams to his brothers and his father. He described them this way:
"Hear, I pray you, this dream which I have dreamed: for, behold, we were binding sheaves in the field, and, lo, my sheaf arose, and also stood upright; and, behold, your sheaves stood round about, and made obeisance to my sheaf. ... Behold, I have dreamed a dream more; and, behold, the sun and the moon and the eleven stars made obeisance to me."
His interpretation of these dreams was that his brothers and his parents would someday bow down to him.
In chapter 40 of Genesis, Joseph was in prison, watching over Pharaoh's former butler and baker. Joseph asked why the butler and the baker were sad. The butler told him of a dream that he had:
"In my dream, behold, a vine was before me; and in the vine were three branches: and it was as though it budded, and her blossoms shot forth; and the clusters thereof brought forth ripe grapes: and Pharaoh’s cup was in my hand: and I took the grapes, and pressed them into Pharaoh’s cup, and I gave the cup into Pharaoh’s hand."
Joseph understood that the three branches stood for three days, and that at the end of three days the butler would be restored to serving Pharaoh. The baker, on hearing Joseph's interpretation, felt encouraged to tell of a dream he had had the same night:
"I also was in my dream, and, behold, I had three white baskets on my head: and in the uppermost basket there was of all manner of bakemeats for Pharaoh; and the birds did eat them out of the basket upon my head."
Joseph told the baker that the three white baskets also stood for three days. However, instead of being restored, the poor baker would be hanged at the end of three days.
In the next chapter, two years have passed. Joseph was still in prison. Meanwhile, Pharaoh had a couple of disturbing dreams which his magicians could not interpret:
"Pharaoh dreamed: and, behold, he stood by the river. And, behold, there came up out of the river seven well favoured kine and fatfleshed; and they fed in a meadow. And, behold, seven other kine came up after them out of the river, ill favoured and leanfleshed; and stood by the other kine upon the brink of the river. And the ill favoured and leanfleshed kine did eat up the seven well favoured and fat kine. .... Behold, seven ears of corn came up upon one stalk, rank and good. And, behold, seven thin ears and blasted with the east wind sprung up after them. And the seven thin ears devoured the seven rank and full ears."
After the failure of his magicians, the butler, whose dream Joseph interpreted, remembered to tell Pharaoh that Joseph had power to interpret dreams. Pharaoh called Joseph out of prison.
Joseph then told Pharaoh that both his dreams meant that Egypt would experience seven years of plenty, followed by seven years of famine.
All of Joseph's interpretations would have been impossible if he had understood each item literally. Only through spiritual eyes could he understand dreams. His willingness to see metaphors through the Spirit of God allowed him to make sense out of dreams that would otherwise simply be disturbing or curious. He also saw the value of numbers in dreams.
Another key element is Joseph's acknowledgment of the true power. Pharaoh's magicians were unable to interpret his dreams. "Magicians" today, or people who seek to use spiritual powers other than the Holy Spirit, seek to explain our dreams. Whether their interpretations are accurate or not, the dangers of listening to such sources far outweigh any curiosity. Joseph, however, didn't 'lean unto his own understanding' or mysticism. When speaking with the butler and the baker, Joseph asked, "Do not interpretations belong to God?" He wouldn't interpret for Pharaoh without clarifying,  "It is not in me: God shall give Pharaoh an answer of peace."
Our Father in Heaven still gives revelation to those who seek it. In order to understand his words, we need to have his Holy Spirit to help us understand and have 'eyes to see' the visions he bestows. Dreams can be unsettling, pleasant or simply strange. Through the Spirit, dreams can be transformative.

Our Birth Story

On August 10th, 2019, my husband and I attended stake conference. Being almost 40 weeks pregnant at the time, my mother encouraged me to skip church and just stay home. However, I decided to go. Labor felt distant, and I wanted to make the most of my last couple of baby-free weeks.

After conference I asked Joseph if we could have a special date night, so we picked up a s'mores cake and went to Alfy's for margherita pizza. As soon as I finished eating dinner I experienced an intense contraction accompanied by a distinct "pop" in my lower abdomen. Clearly, the daughter in my womb enjoyed the pizza as well.

Joseph asked if I was okay. I told him that I was fine, because I didn't feel any liquid so my water must not have broken. Immediately, I felt the trickle. We immediately checked the time (a couple minutes before 9) and headed home. I texted my mom and my sister, Kelsey, so they could get ready to head to the hospital, and called triage. All midwives were busy attending to other births, so I was told to call back.
Even though I knew that I should immediately go to the hospital after my water broke, I wanted to go home! I didn't want to sit at the hospital. I wanted to do laundry, brush my teeth, grab my hospital bag and relax. By the time I got home the contractions were more painful, so Joseph did laundry. I made it to everything else on my list though! We even started watching Mary Poppins. I called triage two more times, and finally I was told to head out immediately. Joseph drove me, and Kelsey and Mom followed shortly.
On the way to the hospital, I stopped at my bishop's house for a priesthood blessing. The Lord promised me that I would be strengthened and know what I needed to do to deliver my child. By this point contractions were 3-5 minutes apart, and I was having a hard time focusing on anything else.

We arrived at Providence Hospital around midnight. After checking in, a nurse took a sample of amniotic fluid for testing. Joseph and I waited in a little curtain-drawn room for about an hour. Contractions were still consistent. Before the nurse came back I had to go to the bathroom to vomit. I had trouble making the short distance back to the room. Finally the nurse came back to confirm that yes, I was in active labor! The nurse inserted an IV. Three times she stuck the tube into my wrist, but only the final try was she able to make it into a viable vein. Then we were able to join my mother and sister in a full room to continue laboring.
When I considered my birth plan, I had planned to stay moving. I wanted to move around the room, try laboring in different positions and above all avoid laboring lying down on a bed. I told myself and my husband that I wanted no medications. I'd hoped to rely on breathing, prayer and my husband holding my hand and rubbing my back. I hadn't realized three key things: I would be attached to some hospital machine, the pain would be so intense and I absolutely would not want my husband touching me.
After yelling at my sweet Joseph, I ended up getting medication and an epidural.
The anesthesiologist began my epidural in between contractions. I sat slouched in the hospital bed, trying to maintain exact posture in order for the needle to be placed safely and effectively. In the middle of the injection, I had another particularly bad contraction.
Shortly after, I fell asleep and drifted in and out of consciousness for the next few hours. Occasionally I'd wake up, talk to my family briefly and go back to sleep.
Around 7:30 Sunday morning I started feeling pressure in my pelvic floor. At first I thought my catheter had somehow shifted, and asked a nurse to check. She said everything was fine. I kept feeling pressure, and decided maybe I needed to poop. By this point I was not only wired up to machinery, but completely unable to use my legs, so I asked for a nurse. When she arrived, the nurse told me that the sensation of needing to poop typically means it's time to push. Then I waited for a midwife.
A few minutes feels much longer when you're resisting the need to deliver your child. That being said, a few minutes later the midwife, Sarah, came. With confidence, a friendly attitude and a heavy Australian accent she taught me how to push. As I pushed, Sarah asked a nurse to bring over a mirror so I could see baby emerge. At 8:33 on August 11th Amelia arrived. She was a deep blue. As Sarah helped me catch her and bring her to my chest, her color evened out.
Joseph cut the cord that had connected us for nine long months.
I cried. None of last night's misery mattered any more, because I finally had Amelia in my arms. I didn't care that the birth hadn't gone according to my plans; despite the changes, Joseph and I finally had our daughter.
The next several weeks were a struggle. For weeks, I couldn't walk without pain and heaviness. I was anxious every time I had to use the restroom. My arms were bruised where the IV had been inserted so many times. Even though I expected breastfeeding to come naturally, it took actual work for me and Millie to learn how to work together. But Joseph, Amelia and I worked things out. My family was there to help with everything. Joseph's family came to meet Amelia when she was only four weeks old.
Six months later, we're still learning, but our struggles are completely different. During pregnancy, I was sick and exhausted. Postpartum, I was in pain, learning to take care of Millie's basic needs, and exhausted. Now, I'm trying to sleep train her, keep her from injuring herself with her newfound mobility, and am (still!) exhausted.
Amelia is a light in our lives. She's a joy to everyone she meets. Birth was the hardest experience of my life, but every minute led to holding Amelia in our arms. It led to kisses, snuggles, new baby laughs and smiles. I wouldn't change a thing.

This Moment

"I was born in the wrong time."
"Don't you wish we could go back to the good old days?"
I've heard variants of these phrases too many times to count, from people old and young. The past is enchanting, seemingly simpler and better than our current state.
But what about right now?
The moment you are living right now will never come again.
I am sitting in my apartment, writing. My family and I worshiped in church this morning. Our neighbors exchanged simple gifts with us this afternoon. My daughter ate some banana for the first time. Now I'm sitting next to my husband, while our daughter sleeps in the other room. He's researching emergency preparedness, and we cherish this quiet moment.
The world is a different place now, and in some ways it's scarier than ever before. In many ways it's much brighter. I'm not here to compare eras; I'm here to thank the Lord I'm alive at this time in history.
When we focus on the past, we let today's blessings pass by without even a glance. Opportunities to improve our own lives and the lives of others are lost. 
I am alive. I am blessed. I face my challenges the same way people in every time have faced their challenges: with grit.
How will you face yours?

A Prophet Speaks

"We live in a world that is complex and increasingly contentious. The constant availability of social media and a 24-hour news cycle bombard us with relentless messages. If we are to have any hope of sifting through the myriad of voices and the philosophies of men that attack truth, we must learn to receive revelation. … In coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost."

Noah warned of the coming flood, Moses warned Pharaoh of the plagues, and our prophet today warns, “The battle with sin is real. The adversary is quadrupling his efforts to disrupt testimonies and impede the work of the Lord. He is arming his minions with potent weapons to keep us from partaking of the joy and love of the Lord.”

Like other prophets, President Nelson is the Lord's mouthpiece. He gives warning of upcoming disasters. I read each of his talks since becoming prophet, and identified key themes regarding upcoming days. These themes include receiving revelation, repenting, and sharing the gospel.

Receive revelation and remain steadfast in your knowledge of the truth. In several talks, President Nelson has stressed that you must gain a testimony of the gospel.

He says, “If you are not sure you even believe in God, start there. … Humble yourself. Pray to have eyes to see God’s hand in your life and in the world around you. Ask Him to tell you if He is really there—if He knows you. Ask Him how He feels about you. And then listen."

Our Father in Heaven is listening, and He wants you to know Him. He wants you to know yourself as His child.

Once we receive a witness of our Father, “do the spiritual work” to know the surety of our Savior. Know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is just that— the church of Jesus Christ. No matter if you’ve never heard of the church, if you’ve been faithful for many years, or if you’ve distanced yourself from the covenant path, come and know for yourself that this is where the Lord wants us to be.

Our Father wants us to receive constant revelation to guide our lives. Testimony is critical, but we must receive guidance everywhere. President Nelson says on choosing his counselors as prophet, “Because I know that good inspiration is based upon good information, I prayerfully met one-on-one with each Apostle. I then sequestered myself in a private room in the temple and sought the Lord’s will.”

The holy temple is an ideal location to gain revelation. But you can and should access the power of heaven anywhere through earnest prayer to our loving Father in Heaven, who “wants to speak to you”. 

President Nelson’s prescription for how to increase your capacity to receive revelation is to live more purely, obey exactly, seek earnestly, feast daily on the words of Christ in the Book of Mormon, and regularly commit time to temple and family history work.

I testify that as I have approached Heavenly Father with my worries, anguish, and confusion he has poured out His Spirit with such abundance I can scarcely take it in. He truly is waiting to answer our concerns, our daily questions and our desire to know His mysteries.

Another key to surviving our mortal experience is receiving ordinances through the priesthood power of God. President Nelson emphasizes that eternal life and family are only possible if we choose to be baptized, confirmed, endowed and sealed under the proper authority, and then live our lives in accordance with the covenants we make at these times. 

It is critical to stay in the church and faithful to our covenants. Nowhere else can we find the keys of the priesthood, so where are we to go?

President Nelson explains that we need to repent:
"The word for repentance in the Greek New Testament is metanoeo. The prefix meta- means 'change.' The suffix -noeo is related to Greek words that mean 'mind,' 'knowledge,' 'spirit,' and 'breath.'
"Thus, when Jesus asks you and me to 'repent,' He is inviting us to change our mind, our knowledge, our spirit—even the way we breathe. He is asking us to change the way we love, think, serve, spend our time, treat our wives, teach our children, and even care for our bodies."

Repentance is a sacred blessing! What joy I have found in Jesus changing my heart!

As we learn to receive revelation, make covenants and repent, it’s critical that we give the same opportunities to those we love (and let us remember, the Lord invites us to love our enemies.)

President Nelson states, "Our message to the world is simple and sincere: we invite all of God’s children on both sides of the veil to come unto their Savior, receive the blessings of the holy temple, have enduring joy, and qualify for eternal life."

Our brothers and sisters need to hear this message. Are you willing to share?
Individuals who have died without receiving ordinances also need the opportunity to make sacred covenants. My husband and I recently had a chance to go to the temple and be baptized for family who have passed. I testify with no doubt that these relatives are overjoyed, and waiting anxiously for further ordinances.

As we follow these principles, we will find happiness now, we will find exaltation hereafter, and we will find miracles. President Nelson says, “Our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, will perform some of His mightiest works between now and when He comes again. We will see miraculous indications that God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, preside over this Church in majesty and glory.”

We have been blessed with an outpouring of revelation from heaven. Now is the time to continue to seek more revelation. Now is the time to make and keep covenants. Now is the time to build the kingdom through missionary and temple work.

In April of 2019, our prophet of God, President Russell M. Nelson gave us a clear warning: “Do the spiritual work to find out for yourselves, and please do it now. Time is running out.”

Guest Post Announcement

Hello, all! I recently wrote a post for Moriah Simonowich at Delighting In Him.
Check out my post (and the rest of her beautiful blog) here:
https://delightinginhimblog.wordpress.com/2017/08/29/trusting-god-with-pain-megan-halverson/

When I look inward,
down to my very depths
I see a vast ocean of greatness,
molded from the eternities.
Vast hidden waves well up, meeting no shore
amid the infinity of my being.
I am powerful. I am great.
And I am terrified.
Looking down from my lofty heights
I see the world,
and I will change it.
Like clay in the hand of a sculptor,
I will mold the masses of the world
into a more perfect order.
Humanity is an inconvenience,
Merely tying me down
To the surreal normalcy of life,
Holding me back from destiny,
Keeping me in the lower realm,
Damning me to dwell amid mortality.
Universes melt before me,
Leaving mere vapors where before stood empires.
Mighty, powerful, admirable in their own way
but nothing before the immensity of my soul.
Races bow down in my presence,
the billions of the earth kneel,
feeling the power of my spirit.
Many souls are absorbed into mine,
attracted to a kindred and mighty aura.
And when I rise, nothing will stop me.
I will destroy what comes into my heart,
leaving a vast and majestic loneliness.
Nothing else remains.
No opposition rises against my reign.
In all the universe, just one thing remains;
the infinity of my soul
amid the drowned destruction of eternity.
My ocean has overcome all.
My waves have come crashing down.
I am powerful. I am great.
And I stand terrified before the reality of my own self.

 As years pass, I grow more complacent. The fire in my heart dims, and my dreams of making a difference and leaving a mark fade. Rather, my dreams become more conventional. Go to college, work at the first available retail store, rent an apartment, marry the most convenient man. Have children someday, and raise them in a quiet American town.These things are lovely, and my ambitions include at least a couple. But don't most of us long for more? Most children live more enthusiastically and vibrantly than most adults I know.
A wise mentor once told me that "moderation in all things" is a terrible, terrible way to live. He memorably suggested moderate fidelity to a spouse. "My husband won't be hurt if I flirt with just a couple guys, or if I kiss my friend, it's not sex anyway..."
Do I want marriage? Yes, but only intentional, vibrant, all-in marriage where my husband and I can find freedom in the very depth of our commitment. I want a marriage that is, in itself, an act of rebellion towards a society which devalues family. As a wife, I want to give myself completely to a man whom I can not only love, but respect. He has to be a man I admire, and with whom I can bravely look forward to eternity.
Among the greatest desires of my heart is a home to keep and a family to raise. I have no idea what this home may look like or where it may be, but I do know it will be excellent. The Spirit of God will dwell and direct our paths as a family. My husband and I will prioritize our family in faith, rather than being "moderately invested" as parents, coming to Christ together. My home will be orderly and filled with the Spirit of God, as a 'holy place' in which to dwell.
I also have a desire for education. Development of character and ability is among the highest, most sacred callings and I choose to answer by steadfastly seeking after what is noble, true and praiseworthy. My soul yearns to minister to those who have less, by feeding the hungry and freeing the captive. I will help those in prison make a better, more joyful life. Mentoring youth has always called me. I want to see more of the world, to have adventures and to see the vastness of this one planet that God created. As a journalist, I will find and share truth, providing my countrymen with the information needed to make independent judgments and come together to improve this nation. In all of these pursuits I wish to become, passionate, empathetic, elegant, joyous and courageous. I wish to create beauty in the world through living my faith and serving others.
Because I wish to do this, I will. I will hold onto my dreams and make them a reality. Life is what you make of it; make something that matters.

Do you ever look up at the sky and see the wonders of space and feel like you're a burden on the world, that you're detracting from the beauty of the universe merely by existing?

Or do you oscillate between feeling unique, like you stand alone among the race of men, and feeling completely alone in the very sameness of every human being?

Sometimes among all the experiences we share and emotions we go through during this life, the most pressing is our own expendability. How little of a mark we make, how the world would largely be the same with or without you, as if the universe was merely indifferent to your very being.

You've felt this.

I've felt this.

And yet, even with how insignificant we seem when considered rationally, our Father in Heaven and his son Jesus Christ state that we are valued. That we are loved beyond reason, through the supernal reason of the divine.

In fact, "God so loved the world, that he gave his Only Begotten Son..."

Isn't that beautiful?

My Best Friend

A little more than five years ago, I was a little girl stepping into Sunday services at a church for the first time. I thought I might learn some truth there, perhaps the meaning of life (as one does when investigating a new religion), but never imagined that I'd find my best friend in the twelve year-old, slightly crazy girl chatting with the other Beehives. My stern, shy, serious self felt so isolated at the time, but this wonderful girl, Caitlyn, helped me learn to love others and have fun and grow together instead of sticking to myself.
 Now we're still little girls, only seventeen. I've grown in a lot of ways, and so has she. Her intellect is astounding, allowing a richness even to ordinary conversations. I love her for how she discusses politics and science and religion and relationships and everything else. For how she refuses to let her youth invalidate her thoughts and opinions.
I love how she wants to do a thousand different things. How she wants to understand the world through her pursuit of science, and how she wants to help illuminate the world for others by sharing what she's learned. The light in her eyes when she talks about learning is one of the most delightful things.
It's also superb to just sit and talk with her about boys or English accents or dinosaurs or heaven or whatever. To have fun and laugh and just be silly, or to compete to try to be mutually better.
I could go on and on about Caitlyn. Her compassion., her bravery, her defiance, her loyalty, her optimism and dedication.
Now she's going to do some more great things and make an even better life out at college. And she's going to rock it like the babe she is. So looking forward to sharing more adventures with her through the years.

Humoring me by acting in a production of Romeo and Juliet

YW Hike this year

At my 13th birthday party

Last time seeing each other before she left :)

I've often heard that a good guideline as to what you should wear is whether or not you'd be comfortable standing in front of the Savior in such a manner.
But imagine yourself next to the Savior right now. Imagine yourself standing in front of the Lord of all men, your Redeemer, who loves you with a love unfathomably deep. And imagine being preoccupied by what you're wearing.

Loss

On March 27th, Easter Sunday, a dear family member passed away. He left behind so many people who love him, including a wife and young children. I have lost family members before, but I was either so young or so distant from the situation that although it hurt, it did not seem devastating. As a young girl, I remember thinking I would never stop crying over my grandfather's passing, that I would live my life dedicated to his memory as everybody else slowly forgot and returned to normal life.
I do not think this now, obviously.
My cousin is a distant family member that I never had the opportunity to know well, but I was still able to realize the impact of this. I was able to realize what death means to those left behind. To my father, who lost his best friend. To his wife and his children, left alone. To his sisters, his cousins, his aunts, his father, his friends.
Nobody can say that it's fair for this man to pass.
But ultimately, it's not up to us to decide who stays and who goes.
I'm not going to write a bunch of comforting statements. When I see things like "Heaven needed another angel" my first instinct is to call it out as crap.These may be legitimate statements and I do think provide some comfort to some people, but I don't want to trivialize what death means to those of us left desolate behind.
Instead, I am suggesting that we learn to make loss a powerful spiritual experience. Whatever spiritual means to you. To me this experience has meant learning to surrender my own will to the almighty. It means learning that sometimes things happen that are unjust and unfair in our lenses but perfect in an eternal lens.

If any of you wish to help his family, please comment or email me at megiris@aol.com, or donate here: https://www.gofundme.com/3hf8jud8  They would appreciate support during this time. <3

CDC Guidelines on Alcohol

http://greatist.com/live/cdc-drinking-guidelines-women?utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=daily_newsletter_2016-02-15_mails_daily_new_header

I just read the above article. If you read it before proceeding, you know that the main premise is that it's ridiculous to guide sexually active women not on birth control towards avoiding alcohol because I'm a woman and I do more than carry babies so I should be able to take intoxicating substances without guilt if I want to gosh darn it.
As you may be able to tell, I disagree.
Choices have consequences.
You have the ability to choose your consequences.
And if you're choosing to participate in something that is meant for the purpose of creating children, it is your responsibility not to endanger the potential children you could create.
You are more than just one possible role, yes. But just because you are more doesn't mean that this one potentiality doesn't exist. You are a person. You have interests. You may have work. You have feelings and emotions and individuality and personality. Maybe you feel like alcohol is important to you, I don't know. But the complexity of your humanity does not invalidate that when you become pregnant you are charged with the almost sacred responsibility of growing another human being who matters just as much as you do. Your choices could lead to a healthy human or one born with disabilities that make life completely unfair.
Don't be selfish. Don't prioritize something like alcohol over something like a human being. If you are mature enough to have sex you are mature enough to abstain from life choices that endanger your future child. You are mature enough to take birth control in order to prevent the growth of a child.
Never forget your humanity. But never forget the humanity of others either.

2015 Review

The year has come to a close and now 2016 is finally upon us.

On the 31st of January my family finished adopting Madeleine. Obviously, this was the biggest part of the year. I love her so much and am so glad to finally have a little sister to love forever. Isn't she perfect?




My big brother served a mission from April to July. So proud of him for giving his time to serve the Lord and help bring the people of Ireland to Christ. That helped strengthen my testimony in so, so many ways. The pain of having him gone made me question whether or not that sacrifice was really worth it, and this questioning led to a firm answer: yes. The gospel is true, guys. Believe it.

 



2015 saw me start a romantic relationship with somebody. That has taught me a lot and brought me so much joy, as well as stretching me as a person. Not going to write any more about that because it's pretty private, sorry.


I got a job! I teach classes for 8-12 year-olds now as well as private piano lessons. Teaching truly is what I want to do with my life. Helping people develop a love of learning is the most rewarding thing I have done so far. Is it challenging? You bet. But so worth it.


I've developed as a leader, as well. As the YW president in my ward I have had to step and actually participate and actively try to help all of my girls. This involves showing up to random church activities that I would much rather skip, but still worth it. I've developed friendships and made some changes in how I approach relationships.

I've failed classes in school, but I have also started to truly love learning like never before. I look at the world in a more mature way. I see my weaknesses, and know how to start fixing them. I can hold myself accountable. This last year of schooling has definitely been the best yet. And this next semester will be better. Because I will be better.

Last year I messed up in a lot of ways, but I lived. Ultimately, that's all I can ask for. I experienced a vast range of emotions and developed a greater capacity for loving and thinking. I became more mature, while learning to have fun and laugh at myself. 2016 will only be better.

Loving

Being in love is magic. It's breath-taking, awe-inspiring, higher than anything anybody could ever imagine previously to falling for this one person. Love songs and fairy tales seem over-exaggerated and foolish until you too fall into the giddiness that is romance. And then they seem, if anything, pale in comparison to the vibrancy of the life you live daily. Nothing is impossible with your darling by your side.

The thing is, what happens to your relationship when these feelings subside into the more mellow warmth of sustained relationships? What happens when you look at your heart's desire and see, of all things, a real person? What about when fairy tale happily ever afters are all too simple and life is more complex than that, and you have to, shockingly, actually work through problems?
I haven't got there yet.
So I can't really give you expert advice, sorry.

I do, however, know one thing. If you care enough about something you will make it work. It doesn't matter if loving seems hard. It doesn't matter if you are tired, if you can't find motivation, if you feel like maybe you merely deluded yourself into believing in love when in reality all you experienced was a hormonal reaction. You work on that relationship no matter what.

If something is worth having it is worth working for.


I look forward to the day when I'm older and long-married and can look over at my husband and know that I consciously chose him. It wasn't a passing whim of Eros. It was my conscious decision to love that man with all that I am, not merely with my heart.
I sincerely hope that you who have already committed your lives to somebody have truly thrown yourself all in, not holding back anything. And those of you who, like me, haven't taken that step in your lives yet, prepare. Prepare to give your life to your husband, or to your wife. I will.

We Are All Boxers

Although the lower classes of society are indispensable, leaders don’t really care about each worker as an individual. On the Animal Farm, Napoleon used Boxer and other animals because they supported his power. However, for a dreamer like Napoleon to love a follower such as Boxer is impossible. As a tool he is valuable; as an animal he is nothing. Boxer grew feeble, and Napoleon sold him to the knacker. Boxer devoted his entire life to working harder and supporting Comrade Napoleon. He was a model citizen, rewarded by murder. Boxer’s work earned no respect. The worker cannot work; what use, then, is he, but to profit by his death? Here we see Orwell’s analysis of political condition. The upper and lower classes have a permanent disconnect, which always works against the lower class. Sometimes leaders will, like Napoleon at Boxer’s memorial, give grandiloquent speeches in praise of the proletariat, but nothing they do will be valuable on a personal level. To these gods among men, the world is an overgrown factory composed of replaceable pieces that must be updated to work smoothly. As an individual, I feel that I am important, that I mean something, that I am more. But there is something within myself as I read Animal Farm which whispers that in reality, I am ‘less equal’. Boxer’s death is undeniably painful; but is it painful because the innocent Boxer was killed unjustly or is it painful because of our own expendability?

Syrian Refugees, Terrorism and America

Terrorism.
Terrorists, ISIS, death, violence, panic, fear.
Terrorism is rampant. The world is just waiting for the attacks which inevitably will come. The world is mind-numbingly afraid, and I understand why. Awful things have happened, and will continue to happen. These things may, perhaps, even progress in brutality and horror.
But we must not allow ourselves to be governed by fear in the face of evil.
Being afraid is reasonable; being controlled by fear is not.
You know why terrorists are called terrorists? Because they try to use terror to further their own goals. If we allow ourselves to be so deeply affected by this we simply allow ourselves to fall right into the plans of those who are declared enemies and who wish to cause us harm.
We must overcome this, and consult logic and our own highest values rather than the fear that is in our hearts.

One problem that is very prominent in relation to recent terrorist attacks is the effect they might have on America's policy in regards to Syrian refugees. Many say that we need to take in these "huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore.... the homeless, tempest-tost". After all, isn't that what we as a nation have chosen to live by? This is the ideal represented in the monument that we choose to look towards as symbol of what America stands for. I personally subscribe to this view and will do all I can to help those in need.

Others say that it is too much of a risk to take in refugees, because in all likelihood some of these will be terrorists sneaking in to destroy us. They say that we should not care for those outside of our borders when those inside are suffering. I can see this point, as well.

To quote Chris Jones, a teacher who I admire very much,  

"It is not necessarily incompatible with Christianity to want to keep your family safe.

It is not necessarily brain-dead to extend yourself to help other people, even if there is a real chance some of those people will hurt you for it.The other side is not composed entirely of hypocrites and the criminally insane.

Light is eternal, feed it. All dark will fade, don't give in to it."

Whatever we do, we must not do out of fear. We must consult our courage. We must ask reason. We must live according to the ideals which we proclaim to hold in times of peace.
Make your own decision. But make it for the right reasons. Do not give evil the power which it demands.