Loving

Being in love is magic. It's breath-taking, awe-inspiring, higher than anything anybody could ever imagine previously to falling for this one person. Love songs and fairy tales seem over-exaggerated and foolish until you too fall into the giddiness that is romance. And then they seem, if anything, pale in comparison to the vibrancy of the life you live daily. Nothing is impossible with your darling by your side.

The thing is, what happens to your relationship when these feelings subside into the more mellow warmth of sustained relationships? What happens when you look at your heart's desire and see, of all things, a real person? What about when fairy tale happily ever afters are all too simple and life is more complex than that, and you have to, shockingly, actually work through problems?
I haven't got there yet.
So I can't really give you expert advice, sorry.

I do, however, know one thing. If you care enough about something you will make it work. It doesn't matter if loving seems hard. It doesn't matter if you are tired, if you can't find motivation, if you feel like maybe you merely deluded yourself into believing in love when in reality all you experienced was a hormonal reaction. You work on that relationship no matter what.

If something is worth having it is worth working for.


I look forward to the day when I'm older and long-married and can look over at my husband and know that I consciously chose him. It wasn't a passing whim of Eros. It was my conscious decision to love that man with all that I am, not merely with my heart.
I sincerely hope that you who have already committed your lives to somebody have truly thrown yourself all in, not holding back anything. And those of you who, like me, haven't taken that step in your lives yet, prepare. Prepare to give your life to your husband, or to your wife. I will.

We Are All Boxers

Although the lower classes of society are indispensable, leaders don’t really care about each worker as an individual. On the Animal Farm, Napoleon used Boxer and other animals because they supported his power. However, for a dreamer like Napoleon to love a follower such as Boxer is impossible. As a tool he is valuable; as an animal he is nothing. Boxer grew feeble, and Napoleon sold him to the knacker. Boxer devoted his entire life to working harder and supporting Comrade Napoleon. He was a model citizen, rewarded by murder. Boxer’s work earned no respect. The worker cannot work; what use, then, is he, but to profit by his death? Here we see Orwell’s analysis of political condition. The upper and lower classes have a permanent disconnect, which always works against the lower class. Sometimes leaders will, like Napoleon at Boxer’s memorial, give grandiloquent speeches in praise of the proletariat, but nothing they do will be valuable on a personal level. To these gods among men, the world is an overgrown factory composed of replaceable pieces that must be updated to work smoothly. As an individual, I feel that I am important, that I mean something, that I am more. But there is something within myself as I read Animal Farm which whispers that in reality, I am ‘less equal’. Boxer’s death is undeniably painful; but is it painful because the innocent Boxer was killed unjustly or is it painful because of our own expendability?

Syrian Refugees, Terrorism and America

Terrorism.
Terrorists, ISIS, death, violence, panic, fear.
Terrorism is rampant. The world is just waiting for the attacks which inevitably will come. The world is mind-numbingly afraid, and I understand why. Awful things have happened, and will continue to happen. These things may, perhaps, even progress in brutality and horror.
But we must not allow ourselves to be governed by fear in the face of evil.
Being afraid is reasonable; being controlled by fear is not.
You know why terrorists are called terrorists? Because they try to use terror to further their own goals. If we allow ourselves to be so deeply affected by this we simply allow ourselves to fall right into the plans of those who are declared enemies and who wish to cause us harm.
We must overcome this, and consult logic and our own highest values rather than the fear that is in our hearts.

One problem that is very prominent in relation to recent terrorist attacks is the effect they might have on America's policy in regards to Syrian refugees. Many say that we need to take in these "huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore.... the homeless, tempest-tost". After all, isn't that what we as a nation have chosen to live by? This is the ideal represented in the monument that we choose to look towards as symbol of what America stands for. I personally subscribe to this view and will do all I can to help those in need.

Others say that it is too much of a risk to take in refugees, because in all likelihood some of these will be terrorists sneaking in to destroy us. They say that we should not care for those outside of our borders when those inside are suffering. I can see this point, as well.

To quote Chris Jones, a teacher who I admire very much,  

"It is not necessarily incompatible with Christianity to want to keep your family safe.

It is not necessarily brain-dead to extend yourself to help other people, even if there is a real chance some of those people will hurt you for it.The other side is not composed entirely of hypocrites and the criminally insane.

Light is eternal, feed it. All dark will fade, don't give in to it."

Whatever we do, we must not do out of fear. We must consult our courage. We must ask reason. We must live according to the ideals which we proclaim to hold in times of peace.
Make your own decision. But make it for the right reasons. Do not give evil the power which it demands.

Losing "The Sea of Faith"

"The Sea of Faith/Was once, too, at the full, and round earth's shore/Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furled…” Montag reads to the women in his parlor. None of them like it, but Mrs. Phelps is stricken with such sorrow that she breaks down in tears. Why does she, a grown woman, cry? Bradbury does not explicitly state why, but it can be understood, given the society in which she lives. In this society, fun is the goal of everything. Anything which is unenjoyable is frowned upon and shunned. Bradbury also gives us some insight into Mrs. Phelps’ personal history. She divorced her first husband, but must pretend that divorce is a fun and easy switch to another guy. The second died, but she mustn’t grieve because where grief exists pleasure does not. She and her third husband agree not to truly love each other, and not to cry if he dies in the war. Surely it is impossible to maintain a ‘sea of faith’ amid these circumstances. Surely this woman, with her dozen abortions, has come to the conclusion that the world “hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light”, as Montag read. So this woman weeps for her husbands. She weeps for her children killed in the womb. She weeps for the death of the dreams she never really had to begin with. This poem, though constructed of mere words, was more for Mrs. Phelps; it was the awakening of a long-sleeping grief.

Neither Good Nor Evil

History and personal experience both show that although humanity as a whole is not evil, every man is to some degree corrupt. Every man is born with flaws that are an inherent part of his mortal nature. Although these flaws may change in time and in manifestation they never entirely fade away. Every man chooses what to do with the personality given him, but even making mostly good choices doesn't make him, in the most perfect sense, good. This is written into society's core.
No man has ever achieved perfection, either of sin or of virtue. This proves two things:  man is not by nature evil, but he is not either by nature good. Everybody does good things which an evil man would not do, and everybody does evil things which a good man would not do. Nothing has the tendency towards that which is its opposite in nature. Therefore, if we were by nature good or evil we would only do those things which are good or evil.
This is also illustrated by the existence of laws that men put into effect. We make rules to keep us from doing wrong, with punishments put into place to give further incentive away from breaking these rules. If men were inherently good then we wouldn't even imagine a need for these laws. Why would a good people need to be encouraged not to do bad things? Why would there be codes against theft, rape, murder, and other crimes? The making of a society tells much about the people who are a part of that society. Since every group of people has these laws, it is reasonable to assume that all people are in some way inclined to do evil, even though the making of these laws also shows that we care about doing good.
The choices people make reveal who they are. At every moment we gave the opportunity to decide what to do, and thus choose who we are. We are constantly shaped by the decisions we make rather than by our nature. It isn't the result of blind fate. Because it is impossible to deny that we are free to choose, it is impossible to say that we are inherently good or evil. Every man's nature is inclined simply towards what he chooses at any moment.
So, are men inherently good? No. Humanity is sadly flawed. However, that doesn't mean that man is doomed to villainy. What this means is that every man and every woman can always change and improve and throw off old patterns and the old nature. We choose our own fate. We choose our own doom. We choose our own destiny.

When Jokes Go Wrong

As I have grown up I have become a much more relaxed person in general (as hard as that might be for some of you to believe). But some things I still get so incredibly angry about, and among these things are jokes.
Friends, any attempt to be humorous through degrading and bringing down others is going to fail. Making fun of and grossly dehumanizing Muslims is not charming and witty, but wrong. Mocking men and trying to generalize them into one super gross and helpless group is wrong. Being sarcastic and making somebody else feel little for the sake of a laugh is, once again, wrong.
Excusing blatant arrogance, ignorance, and bigotry under the guise of joking is despicable and reveals nothing other than a small mind and weak character. Sometimes it happens, because everybody is imperfect and we are in fact all small and weak in some ways. But please, refrain from this. Because I know you're better than that. You can be funny and express your views while being kind and actually trying to think through issues like an intelligent human being instead of somebody who is so threatened by differences that you have to resort to crude attempts at jokes to make yourself feel better. Be better.

It seems like every day I learn more and there is more conflict between my ideals and my reality.
I would love to believe that statesmen must always hold true and firm to their own personal moral code and stubbornly refuse to give in even one little bit to anything less than shining. But they can't. And they shouldn't.
I would like to believe that everybody can and will cheerfully overcome anything if just given a chance and some encouragement. But they won't. Because not everything is black and white and life isn't a movie where everything ends up happy and all it takes is a little song to make everything better.
I want to know that I can be friends with everyone, and that I can be a support and a help for everyone I meet. But that doesn't happen. Because sometimes people don't like me and other times I simply don't rise up to be a goddess of love and perfection and beauty who shines radiantly upon the whole earth.
I have always believed that there is one way to approach life and that that way is the one I particularly subscribe to. But I know better. There are so many ways and views towards life and I am just one lonely human being trying my best to figure it out.
Things change. I find myself saddened by how much I have changed. But it is a part of growing up and I would not wish to go back to the way I used to view things. Because I want to see things as they are, not as I would like them to be.

What Would Jesus Do

So many Christians use Jesus to justify their standards that really have nothing to do with how Jesus lived.
Read the Bible. Read the Book of Mormon. Both books focus on the life of Jesus Christ and his works. Think really carefully about how they describe him.

Can you think of any verses like this?

"Now, the Son of Man walked into the mall, and he beheld a sick tank top, and he fleeth the temptation to reveal his shoulders"

"Thus saith the Lord of Hosts, 'Verily, thou must shun all discourse on sciences, particularly theories of evolution, which thing is abominable above all else.'"

"The Holy One of Israel entered into the city, and he saw that there were many among them which were rocking out and he wept for their music, for their hearts were sinful."

No.

There are no scriptures like that.


Jesus served. He focused on the things that were important. You know, like saving mankind.

Do we want to be so absorbed in what we're wearing that we cannot focus on who we can serve? Do we want to be so afraid of introducing doubt that we refuse to learn and discuss anything? Do we want to be so busy worrying about such small things that we ultimately lose sight of God's grace and his missions for us as individuals?

No.

Please. Stop being so concerned about these things and be more concerned about the things of God.

Putting Duty First

The choice to be a statesman is the choice to put your civic duties above your own personal feelings and religious persuasions. There is an admirable element to the story of the man or woman who fights with all their might to make their nation live more virtuous lives, courageously refusing to bend on anything. Mostly, though, this is a foolish and unworthy way to serve.

In order to run smoothly a country needs its officers to be doing what they have agreed to do. Everybody is assigned a job, and is expected to do their best to fulfill it. Just as a family must have parents and children doing their jobs to run effectively, a government must have all different levels fulfilling their assigned responsibilities. Everybody pulling different directions based merely on their own definitions of morality will tear apart an organization and result in basic functions being left undone.

Compromise is key to all discussions, especially on a large, governmental scale. If every person feels justified in being rigid in their personal beliefs compromise is impossible. The great innovations that could have been realized never come into existence. When people are blinded by their need to justify their own position they are not looking for improvements that could be made in the system.

Statesmanship is (most of the time) a choice. If the duties you receive as a formal leader violate your own religious convictions, you need to resign and let somebody else take on your capacity. This year the United States federal government legalized same-sex marriage. This decision, regardless of personal opinions, needs to be upheld by officers all over the nation. However, recently Kim Davis, a county clerk in Kentucky, refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples despite the official legality. She could have just resigned, but chose to utterly defy her duties and responsibilities instead. This action should be condemned.

On a personal, individual level each human on this earth should hold tightly to their beliefs. Nothing is more admirable than an ethical, courageous individual who refuses to let go of their religious convictions. But to be a statesman is to be something more. It is to be a moral person who also has the strength to sacrifice pushing his will on others for the good of the nation.

Choosing True Love

To love is not to possess. The type of love that is jealous misses the point. If one has to be afraid that their love is going to die because of some outside influence, this love is lacking.
Can any love truly be called that which is not built on trust?
If you cannot handle your friend being close with somebody else, maybe that person shouldn't be your friend. Or you can take a deep breath and release that jealousy.
If you are constantly suspecting your significant other of cheating on you, maybe you need to take some space and re-evaluate. Maybe you need to choose trust. Talk with him/her, yes. But trust. Communicate from a place of love and faith.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..."
1 John 4:18

Choose not to fear. Choose to love so much that fear has no room in you. Fill yourself with light.

Today as I walked through the woods I realized something. The layers upon layers of green, living things that I take for granted would astonish some people. And I feel like that's true for a lot of things.

Why People Like Twilight

Confession time: this summer I read all four Twilight books. I do not really know if I liked them or not. Mostly I was pretty annoyed at everything happening, but they were pretty fun to read I guess. Anyway.

I've been thinking a lot trying to find value in the story even with all the issues I have with it. The romances were pretty messed up, morals and values didn't really play that big a part, and I prefer my vampires to be bloodsucking demons rather than sparkly nice people. I think I figured out one reason why people like this book series, though.

It's because Bella Swan is completely ordinary. There is nothing particularly special about her. She is pretty boring. She lies to her father. She is completely obsessed with this random dude she just met in high school who spent quite a long while telling her how he wants to eat her, which displays quite a lack of sense. She's basically a good person, but doesn't stand out for any particular good quality.

But Edward and Jacob love her anyway, in their own ways.

So many people don't feel loved. They don't feel special. They feel pretty much like the Bella Swan of their own lives, just hoping that maybe there is something that makes them desirable and worth loving.

You can be the hero of your own life. You don't have to rely on anybody else to be important and to be desirable. Really. Certainly not a slightly abusive  100-something year old vampire. Love yourself.

Adapting to Changes

Watch the above video before reading any further.





Doesn't that amaze you? Really.
The biggest take away I had from this video is that there is no way that learning facts and current technologies is going to help me actually know how to do anything.That's it. I will be a fairly useless human being if I graduate high school and college thinking that I am all set for the future. Because the reality of life is changing all the time.
So, why do I get an education? Why don't I just go live in the woods and live alone, separated from all this change?
Because I want to be an extraordinary human. And for me, that means living in the world and doing all sorts of things and changing the world. For that, I need to get out there and embrace what comes.
So I am getting an education to learn how to think. No matter where you are in life, always be practicing how to think. If you're in high school, keep this perspective. If you're in college, keep this perspective. If you're not in any formal school and are getting your education from living, keep this perspective.
Do not let yourself get dragged into thinking that you will be okay with simply learning the facts of now. You need more if you are going to do anything meaningful. So do it. Keep on learning. Keep on questioning. Keep on innovating.

American Imprisonment

A man is condemned to the same fate for a crime no matter his background. A man entirely without money or friends, raised in debauchery and ignorance receives the same punishment as a man born into every blessing of life, surrounded by people who love him, who is highly educated and has moral instruction. These two committed the same crime, yes. But are they both equally accountable?

I cannot believe so. However, there isn't anything to do about it. Who could understand individual situations well enough to decide what mercy should be shown? And besides, these crimes would continue being perpetrated. Because we don't do anything to try to fix it.

The purpose of imprisonment should not be punishment of those who have done wrong. Hammer that into your head right now. That is an immature and ineffective paradigm. The purpose of imprisonment should be to protect those who are innocent. Completely destroying the lives of criminals by locking them up for most of their lives could effectively do that, I suppose. But there are many things to consider before choosing that.

The sentences given are ineffective. What are years in prison going to do for somebody? The answer is simple. The convict is going to come out having lost some of the most important time in his life, and relapse. Perhaps he will be slightly more bitter and hardened. Without more meaningful correction, there isn't likely to be meaningful change. For those who are already fairly well-equipped for a normal productive life and just screwed up once, this might be serious enough to keep them well, but those who only know this type of life are not going to be able to come out as a contributing, happy citizen.

I am not even going to talk about the financial issues this system brings the whole nation, the corruption within facilities, or abuse within prisons because that is not the point of this post. But consider those as well. The problem of criminal justice is complex. It's going to take a whole new way of thinking and take a while to implement change. This is worth it, though. Don't just leave the lowest of the nation behind.

Given the choice, it's better to forgive than not. It's better to trust in the decency of humanity than not. It's better to love than not.
Maybe somebody doesn't fully deserve it. But if you choose to hold on to that bitterness and hurt then you'll be a worse person based on that choice. You'll be unhappy. You'll be dull.
So let go of all that. Choose to stay sweet and innocent and pure and lovely.

Reflections of the Divine

There are times when heaven feels close. Suddenly the mortal veil seems thinner, and divinity can be felt in the heart. These windows into the eternal coincide with evidences of majestic love. The human heart is opened to divinity through love.


Truly listening to a friend who comes with all their problems and insecurities opens the heart. Sitting still and absorbing the incomprehensible greatness of the universe also allows the heavens to descend. Comforting a child, serving those who stand in need, kisses, living an intentional life and anything else that is an expression of love can serve to make the heart more sensitive to divine sources.

God must not be reduced to something as simple as a feeling. He defies such simplification by his very being. But true love is a reflection of Him. Love is not simply a feeling. It is a beatific gift that is impossible to understand fully with mere human reason. Live with love, always.

Prayer

Meaningful prayer requires putting away the hurt of everyday life. It requires being willing to let down pride, fear, and any shields put up to protect from others. It requires being vulnerable. It requires letting the King of Kings into the heart, where he can change it. Sometimes that is tough. Speaking of pain is often harder than suffering alone. When it seems imopssible to even start trying to communicate the depths of pain in the heart it is most necessary to give that burden to the god who died to take upon him all the sins of the world. If words fail he will listen anyway. He will listen to the silent cries of the heart.
Trust him. Pray to him. He will always catch those who fall towards him.

Loss

Loss and pain are essential. Maybe when we lose somebody it's because we need to learn something. Maybe when that overpowering cloud of pain passes we'll find a world refreshed by the tears that fell. Maybe we'll come through this earth-shattering experience and find that we're okay. Maybe we need to break in order to become stronger. And maybe we just need to learn things from people and then let go when it's time.

Three Year Snapshot

My Personal Leadership class just ended. My final project was creating a three year snapshot, to picture what my life will be like in three years. I'm sharing it with you. Quick notes, though. First, I'm not sure if I am going to BYU, I just put that there because it is one option. Second, I do not have a boyfriend and don't intend to for a couple of years. :)

Anyway.

 An envelope sits on my desk, torn open with its contents lying next to it. I  just read my acceptance letter from BYU. This fall I’ll be leaving to go start my major in journalism. Soon enough I’ll call my family and my boyfriend, but for now I’m okay with just being by myself, letting this soak in. Back when I started high school, I really struggled. It seemed hard to believe that I would ever make it through. But I did. I made it because I worked hard and let go of what didn’t really matter. I came through stronger, more intelligent, and wiser.

 I stayed active in church even when it was hardest. When I wanted to give up I chose to have faith instead. I gave my all in my callings. I stayed consistent in learning. Heavenly Father blessed me in return, and I am so incredibly thankful for that.

 My family relationships are better, because I’ve learned how to truly love and serve those closest to me while still balancing the other areas of my life. I’m engaged in my family, and even those family members I never thought I could have healed relationships with are close now. My brothers, my sisters, my brother-in-law, and my parents are all so wonderful and I’m blessed to have them.

 I started working with various newspapers and blogs when I was sixteen years old, so I feel prepared for the rest of my future in journalism. I have kept up my blog almost religiously since I started it six years ago, and my writing has improved so much. It makes me laugh to see the quality of my older posts compared to my current ones.

 I also have a job in retail. It’s nothing fancy, but I truly enjoy working with the rest of the team and having a job like this allows me to still be involved with my writing and my mentoring. I have put together a team of other mentors, but I am still actively involved in teaching and administration. A close community has developed in my business. It’s almost like another family.

 My boyfriend has been so incredibly supportive. He respects and loves me. He helps out in all of my dreams and helps me believe that I can do this even when I doubt myself. He has his own dreams, too, and lets me help him. I love him. This is exactly what I’ve wanted for my whole life. I can see us building a future together.

 My sixteen year-old self had trouble believing that I could have a life this beautiful and full of love. But my nineteen year-old self is able to look back and realize that life is what I choose to make of it. And I chose to make something beautiful.

I have a few goals I wrote out for how to get here. Start working as a freelance writer. Build up Ninniachel Mentoring. Graduate high school. Stuff like that.
Where do you want to be in three years?

 

Spirituality

Spirituality is a very ambiguous term. Some think of it as inherently tied to their religion. Some think of it as some sort of weird drug rituals that funky smelling people with weird hair practice. Others use spirituality to condemn religion, claiming that you cannot be spiritual and religious at the same time, and that spirituality is an alternative to religion.
There are many, many definitions, because it is such a personal term. Really, all it means is "the quality or state of being spiritual" (Merriam-Webster Dictionary.) To me, spirituality is awareness, mindfulness, and presence.
Awareness of what surrounds you, what you are feeling inside, and higher powers is crucial to being truly in touch with your spirit. Look around you and just be aware of what is happening. Look within you and see what you are feeling and how you have been building yourself. Listen to what you feel about the divinity of God or the Universe or whatever it is you believe. (I personally believe in God, but the point of this post is not to preach my God to you.)
It is also important to be mindful in everything you do. When you play music, be mindful of the way notes come forth from the instruments as you touch them. When you eat food, be mindful of the journey that food has come through. When you are walking be mindful of the way your feet walk upon the earth.
The last part I consider in spirituality is presence. Be where you are. Don't be distracted and waste away worrying about your past or your future. Be fully alive and awake and embrace your life at this moment.
Be spiritual, however that works for you. When you feel drained spiritually, do something to renew yourself. Try yoga, or breathing affirmations. Try climbing a tree and just sitting there by yourself, bathing in the knowledge that you are. Try journaling. Try reading holy writ.
Be aware. Be mindful. Be present. Be happy.

What Do You Live For

What would you die for?
That question is asked fairly often, and it is worthwhile. But there are better questions to be asking.
I personally find it easy to believe I would die for something. My religion. My family. My friends. Social causes.
Death isn't frightening.
But what would you live for?
What would you devote every day for the rest of your life to? What are you willing to do even though it's tough and tedious and there is no end in sight? What are you willing to do even when there is no glory or recognition for it?
Ask yourself.
And then live for it.

You, At Your Best

I am a passionate woman. I am curious. I ask questions, and I don’t accept things just because people tell me to. I love deeply and freely. I laugh often. I am kind and compassionate. I care about all those who surround me, and sometimes my heart aches because I just care so very much. I am humble enough to admit my mistakes, even when it’s hard. I get back up and keep going, because I have that essential stubbornness that just keeps me going. I am wise enough to know that I don’t know everything. I am motivated not by what the world or any organization tells me, but by what I feel in my heart. Passion fills my life. I follow my dreams. I boldly proclaim truth, and I also listen. I find my own truth and help others on their way. I am a mother. I am a warrior.

The above was something I wrote in my class the other day when asked to write about who I am at my best. Do I live up to that vision all the time? No. Sadly, I fall very short. But I can be that and I have been. It's what I aspire to be.
Who are you at your best? When have you seen glimpses of the potential you have? Remember the times when you have been dazzled by who you truly are. I want you to write who you really are, right now. Chase after that person. Grow into yourself.

Elder Halverson

Eli just went to the airport to fly far, far away and be a missionary in another country.
As I watched him pull out of our driveway at 3:23 this morning I missed him. But would I wish him to stay? Absolutely not.
My big brother grew up into the best man I know. He is going to go out there preaching the gospel and he is going to rock it.I am so incredibly proud of Eli.
Everything that makes him my hero is going to make him a great missionary: his work ethic, his patience, his dedication to service, his selflessness, his ability to keep things in perspective and not get discouraged, his genuine love for everybody. And it doesn't hurt to be incredibly funny and dashing.
Eli has always been my protector, my best friend, and my confidante. He's always been there for me. And even though I will be an adult by the time he gets back, he always will be my big brother.

Learn

Any real learning requires effort. You can sit through hours and hours of lectures in university halls and not learn anything. You can read hundreds of books and not learn anything. You can go to church every week for the rest of your life and not learn anything.
To really get knowledge into you and benefit from it you have to work. Think about things (even though thinking is in fact difficult.) Write. Call up a friend and talk to them about whatever you're learning. Try to make connections.
Seriously.
This doesn't just go for formal learning.
Take time to actually improve as a person and know more than you did before every day, as you're doing anything.

Grace

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” -C.S. Lewis

God extends his arm of grace to all of humanity. He gives strength, forgiveness, and supports us in all the changes we need to make. None of us deserve the complete forgiveness which we receive from him. It is impossible for us to justify ourselves, because we choose every day to do things wrong.

Yet God forgives us. He loves us. He strengthens us. He is patient with us.

 We need to extend that same grace to everybody we meet. Others will disappoint us and hurt us, but we need to forgive them anyway. We have to be kind and patient. We have to do our best to help strengthen others. It's the best we can do to try to show our gratitude and love for our Father. 

Clothing

My big brother has a Disturbed hoodie, and I love it. It's pretty much my favorite, so even though it is his I end up wearing it usually. It is warm, black, says Disturbed across the back and on the front has this face on it:

So pretty much it's the coolest.
Anyway. The other day I wore it to the grocery store. When I go to the grocery store I try to smile and be friendly and happy, and usually people respond in the same way to me. This day people would typically just look really confused at first, though, and it seemed really strange to me because I was being normal.
Later that evening I went to the store again, this time wearing a shirt that I received at a church camp. This is a lovely purple color and has a scripture written across the back. This time people were much more friendly in return, and I made the connection.
Clothing really does make an impact on how people view you. If people see you wearing super cool yet slightly creepy rock band merchandise they will probably judge you as being an angry teenager. If you're wearing a church t-shirt they will probably judge you as being a cheery, sweet individual. The way you present yourself speaks about who you are.
Now, I am not going to stop wearing my brother's sweater. I really do not care if people think I am weird because of it, and I like it. But I am going to be aware of how that makes a difference, and so should you. Wear what makes you happy, but embrace the consequences.

Make A Difference

I have been thinking quite a lot lately about why I'm here and what I can do to make the world a better place. I really would like to do almost every good thing sometime, because I am so incredibly excited about how many things there are to do in this life. However, I have finally managed to narrow it down to a few things I want to do most.

I want to be a journalist. I want to write about and photograph the world. I want to help people be aware of the bad things in life so they can get better. I want to show everybody the good things to prove that the world is worth fighting for. I want to elevate humanity and help us all live on a higher plane through awareness of the truth.

I want to be a good daughter. My parents have given me so much, and I need to help them in return. I love them. I really do.

I want to build a beautiful marriage. I want to marry a man who is not perfect, but whom I can respect and truly love. We will work together and support each other in everything. Sometimes my husband and I will disagree and get mad. But we will work things out. Because we are worth it.

I want to create music. Music changes people. It speaks to people on a fundamental level, past borders of language and nationality. I want my music to show people that they are not alone. I want it to comfort the lonely and challenge the complacent.

I want to be a mother. I want to prepare my children to be tender and strong in the world and to cheerfully go through everything that life has to offer. I want to love them so dearly.

I want to teach. There is so, so much to learn and I want to help everybody to learn as much as they can so they can build the world positively. I want to help light the fire that inspires people to continue grappling with even the most difficult concepts. I want to watch as my students make connections and discover new things and improve their own lives. I want to watch my students become leaders who take the initiative to solve problems.

 I want to be a friend. Everybody I have ever met is so sad in some ways, and I so earnestly want to fix them. I fail at this more often than I would like, but I want to improve. The world is in need of true friends. I need to be a better, kinder, more understanding person so I can make a difference in somebody's life.

I want to be a good sister. I want to be a good aunt. I want to be a good niece. I want to be a good person.

There is so much I can do. There's so much you can do. Really. I have absolute faith in the ability of each individual to be a force for good in some way. This doesn't mean you have to be a prominent world leader who eventually finds the secret to world peace and makes everybody have a happy life. No, this just means that it is your responsibility to find where you are needed and then do your best to be there. You are important. You are needed.

Such Is Life

One of my friends in my Young Women group recently had her 18th birthday. My initial reaction when considering this was that being friends with Priests and Laurels really isn't wise, because soon they will leave and you will be left without them. Yes, this was silly, but I really considered it for a while until I realized that I am in fact a Laurel right now. Yep. I'm 16 years old and will be moving on pretty soon. So I have been thinking a lot about the nature of loving people. Most of what I have written here is addressed to youth, because I feel that adults have experienced so much of this already and know this. However, it should be useful for anybody. Here are some examples in which you love people and your heart breaks because of that:

1. Someday, you will meet somebody and your hearts will connect with each other. You'll kiss. You'll dance. You will talk about anything and everything, just to know each other and be with each other.You'll want to spend all your time together, because nobody else seems as important and life was given just to be with each other. Life will be passionate and beautiful.You'll be in love. You'll think that there is no way anything could ever get in the way, and you will plan on being together forever. And then this person will move way farther away than you can ever hope to follow. And then someday you will both probably find other people and have to admit that it just did not work out the way you had planned. But you will still remember him because there was such joy and such pain in having let him in your heart and then having him leave. There is no way you could forget that. You don't want to forget, and that makes it hurt even more. You know you have to forget, but why would you want to? This love opened you to so much passion and everything seemed so much more rosy knowing that you had each other, even when you did argue. He made life seem so much easier, and that is gone now. Sometime you will see clearly and realize that it was worth it.

2. You'll meet a friend who will seem to just click with you. Talking to each other will be easy, and you won't be afraid to actually have meaningful discussion. This friend will show you what 'kindred spirit' really means. If a thought pops up that maybe this won't last you will just laugh that thought away, because it seems impossible. But then you do drift apart. It isn't formal and you never talk about it, but sometimes you'll see each other at an event and not even speak to each other past civil greetings. You try not to think about it, but sometimes in the middle of the night when you can't sleep you will get to thinking about this friend  and quiet tears will stream down your face as you think about what you lost. It was a beautiful thing while it lasted, and you can't really blame the loss on anybody. People change and grow apart. It happens. While you needed this friend you had him, and now the need is gone so you can separate and try to remember that it was good.

3. Maybe you'll have a brother go on a mission. You are so, so proud of him for making this sacrifice and wouldn't have it any other way, but you miss him. Two years of being separated from this brother who was so close to you. Two years going without having him near to comfort you, protect you, take your side in every squabble, play with you, and just be there like he has for your whole life. Only letters and emails to substitute for his voice and his presence.There will be so many things that happen in your life as you emerge into adulthood. You might be gone to college, married, have a job, and be gone by the time he comes home. Nothing will be the same, because life doesn't pause just for a mission. The fact that he has dedicated himself to serving the Lord will help you as you go on though, because this love gives you something to be better through.

4. You'll have a dear friend who you have experienced your whole youth with and grown with in so many ways. You worked through new issues at the same time. You spent so much time with each other. You were there to support each other in everything and so excited to share everything together. And then she goes someplace you cannot follow, such as getting married. You are happy for her, of course. She's maturing and you admire her so much. But there's a heart ache as you realize that nothing can be quite the same anymore. She ran too fast and you couldn't keep up. She will be experiencing so much that you won't really be able to relate to anymore, although you will still love each other. Her friendship supported you through one of the hardest parts of your life, when you needed somebody who you knew would stay on the right track and expect you to do the same.

5. Your grandfather will die. This man who took care of you and loved you unconditionally for your whole life will suddenly be gone. You'll see his cold body and realize that never again in this life will he hold you and read to you. He changed your life by being such a caring, compassionate, talented man and now that's gone. But he has still changed your life for better, and you will remain transformed by having had him. You will miss him all the time, but you can smile through it.

Life will never stop giving you these heartaches. It's not going to happen, unless you completely isolate yourself and work on not loving anybody. But is that worth it? Do you want to lose the joy and beauty and magic of relationships just because of the sorrow that will come? I don't. I do not want to hide my heart away where it will never see the sun just because I'm afraid of the storm. Be open, please. Love everybody. Loving is a risk; that's the very nature of anything worth doing.

The Great Gatsby

The Great Gatsby is one of my very favorite books. I am not quite sure how to express what I feel about it, but there is something that just enters my heart and touches all of the sadness I hold there. Not in a bad way, though. In a way that helps me acknowledge that I am incomplete and gives me hope that I can be better.
In case you haven't read it yet, The Great Gatsby is just about wealthy Americans in the 1920s, focusing particularly on Jay Gatsby's obsession with Daisy Buchanan. Most of the behavior is immoral, particularly focusing on lying, adultery, and alcohol. But see, that's how these people are trying to escape themselves. They build up fantasies to pretend that they have exciting, happy lives full of everything they ever wanted. But they don't, really. Gatsby ends up dead in his own yard after having been deserted by the woman he wanted. Daisy lives with her abusive, adulterous husband Tom for the rest of forever, as far as we know. Tom lives with the knowledge that his wife doesn't really love him and having had his mistress brutally killed. Jordan just generally seems to be so empty and unsatisfied with life, for whatever reason. The only person in the whole book who seems to get away fairly unscathed is Nick Carraway, who leaves this life to go back to his rural, safe existence after having seen the misery to which the rest of the world sank.
Nobody knew where to look for happiness. Just to make sure we're clear on this; alcohol/drugs, sexual immorality, and constant parties are not going to make you happy. That's an important thing to be clear on for the rest of this post.
I don't know the backgrounds of the characters in this book. But I can guess that they are lonely, without having had any true friends in their lives. Probably their parents were distant. The frustrations, sadnesses, and disappointments of life can build up and hurt our hearts so, so badly and it is natural to turn to whatever seems most likely. If we don't have guidance and direction on truth, then we'll turn to hell in order to be comforted. Our heartaches reach for something to heal with, and if we do not have the truth the devil will take the opportunity to convince us to his ways.
I have so many people in my own life who this applies to.
It hurts so much to know that I have friends and even family members who are living in the misery depicted in The Great Gatsby when they could be healing and finding true joy.
I am not going to tell you in this post where to find that healing, because only you can know that for yourself. Just take time to listen. Find that voice within yourself and try your best. Don't listen to what the world tells you to do. Listen to your truth.
Some people find it strange that I love this book so much. My love isn't based on desire for sin, though. My love for this novel is founded on the fact that I'm not alone. Loneliness and sadness are common to humanity. Everybody is searching for their own truth. I can do a better job than the characters in this story. The Great Gatsby is a tale of decadence, yes; but that is because it is also a tale of the human condition.

I Won't Give Up

I think I finally decided my favorite song. Yes, that is an extremely difficult decision, and yes, I did have to think about it for many months, but I'm pretty confident that my favorite song right now is in fact I Won't Give Up, by Jason Mraz.

Read these lyrics:
"When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky,
Or a beautiful sunrise.
Well, there's so much they hold.
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are.
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough.
I'm giving you all my love,
I'm still looking up.

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating,
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find.

'Cause even the stars they burn,
Some even fall to the earth.
We've got a lot to learn.
God knows we're worth it,
No, I won't give up.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily.
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make.
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake.
And in the end, you're still my friend, at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn.
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in.
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am.

I won't give up on us,
Even if the skies get rough.
I'm giving you all my love,
I'm still looking up, I'm still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us,
Even if the skies get rough.
I'm giving you all my love,
I'm still looking up."

Now, listen to it:


This whole song just feels so genuine. I am trying to think of words to describe it, but nothing I can think of to say would add anything that this song doesn't already say for itself. Everything about it speaks of a truth higher than mere reason. It's love in the purest form, without possessiveness or jealousy or bitterness despite hard times. There is hope, not just in the sense that maybe this relationship will work out. I mean the kind of hope that just believes that even if things don't turn out the way we want, life is good.
I am a little tired of ordinary, bubbly, sparkly, enthusiastic love songs. This feels more real than most pop music. It's beautiful in every way.

Education

As I am sure you all have noticed, the word 'school' does not evoke a positive image in the minds of most students. I do know youth who really enjoy school and are academic, but even they sometimes think of it as a burden. Schools are supposed to be institutions where people can go to learn and better themselves. Instead schools have largely become places for people to go learn how to fit in and follow instructions exactly in order to get a mark of acceptance. They go to be approved of by society. They go because that's what people do.
There are about seven billion people in this world, according to Google. That is a huge number. Each of those seven billion people has a soul. Each of them has something to contribute, something that only they can do. Each of them are intricately connected to each other, and the choices they make impact others in so many ways. Many of them are getting no education whatsoever, and many of those who do have the opportunity to get an education are completely wasting it.
I realize that there are many things wrong with our schooling system. Most schooling compartmentalizes subjects rather than allowing connections, discourages deviance from accepted views, and generally works against the flow of the human mind. An institution with one way to produce is better equipped for machinery than for humanity.
But we can get past these struggles. Schooling should nurture you soul and help you be a light in the world, but it isn't going to without some effort on your part. Your education is up to you. Only you can know yourself well enough to become truly great through the knowledge you gain. Don't be a passive student. Be an active learner.

Mathematics

I have heard many people state that math is completely useless past multiplication and division, because anything above that is not practical. In some ways, I agree. Most of our professional lives aren't going to use algebra or calculus very often. Some people will use advanced math all the time, but not everybody. However,the point of math isn't merely to go through our lives and use skills for solving practical problems. It is much, much higher and more supernal than that.

Math teaches us how to think. Math teaches us to understand eternal truths. Math challenges us to express ideas in different ways, that are uncomfortable at first. Numbers, variables, and shapes fitting together in logical ways really does express all of creation. As we learn to think through symbols we can learn to truly understand this universe. I once heard it said that mathematics is the language in which the Universe was written.Think about that for a little. Try to feel the wonder and divinity that the study of mathematics can bring to our lives.
I'm not very good at working problems and understanding concepts, myself. I am currently working in Algebra 1 and most of it's over my head. But I love it anyway. I want you to love it, too.

Women and the Priesthood

In case you didn't know, there is a movement among some members of my church to allow women to hold the priesthood. My church believes that priesthood power comes from God, and all organizations are run by the authority of the priesthood. Any man living righteously can receive the priesthood, but it is currently not given to women.
I've given this some serious consideration, and just thinking with my logical mind I can't think of any reason why women should not hold the priesthood. I know for a fact that men and women are equally important and loved by Heavenly Father, so it has been hard to reconcile his holding back this power from us. I have heard many explanations from people as to why this might be, but nothing makes sense when I think critically. Some people say that it is simply unnecessary because we have men to rely on, some people say that there are more righteous women than men so women don't need priesthood, and some people say that  'motherhood' is the counterpart to priesthood. None of these make sense to me, and a couple of them seem slightly ridiculous.
But, you know what? I don't support Ordain Women. Even though this whole issue seems unfair right now, everything will make sense eventually. My mortal eyes can't see nearly as far as Heavenly Father's, and I am okay with that. Someday I will understand. Until then I will just rely on the words of the prophets who have been sent to us to reveal the Lord's will, and be the best woman I possibly can be. Because I am proud of being a woman, with everything that entails.

Living My Life

I have a lot of work to do on some things, particularly actually trying new things that I am uncomfortable with. I really do want to, and I have an ideal to try to live. I just do not follow through with my ideal very well yet.
Last Thursday I had the chance to go start learning kickboxing with Xavier. I was thrilled to spend some time with him and was fairly excited to have an opportunity to learn kickboxing (because really, that just sounds awesome). I finally got there, and realized just how much I had been dreading actually learning this. See, not only had I never seen anybody kickboxing in my whole life (unless you count Miss Congeniality), but I'm not even a very athletic person. So I got there and tried for about two seconds. Yep. Pretty major fail right there. I realized that my being there was taking away from Xavier's practice time because he would have to teach me, and that combined with my being afraid of doing things wrong was pretty overwhelming.
I should have just done my best.
That is exactly what I should do every time.
I have already decided that I want my whole life to be dedicated to doing things that I find embarrassing and scary, because I want to really live and this is the best way to do that. I just need to improve my commitment to living it.
I have some plans for things to do. Today is a good day to get started.

What A Beautiful World

This is a picture of what Facebook showed me in the 'trending' area today: 

It's not particularly edifying. It ranges from the horrifying (like the mother who attempted to kill her kids by poisoning them), to the simply not important (like a man combining a PS4 and an Xbox One into one console). I appreciate that some of these things are important to know about. We need to recognize what goes on in our world. But can't there be a little more emphasis on the good in the world? It seems that news today is almost always negative. Sometimes we hear about something wonderful happening, but usually not nearly as much.

I refuse to believe that it's because only bad stuff is happening. That does not make sense at all. I know that people are good in general. So, it only makes sense that it is because bad things are out of the ordinary. Doesn't that just make you look at the world so much more cheerfully? Sometimes it is much too easy to be sad about the world, or at the very least tired of dealing with the things that happen. It is much too easy to ignore all the wonderful things that happen.

To combat this, I intend to blog about something beautiful in the world at least once a week. It will change my own paradigm about the world, and hopefully yours as well. I think that's what this blog is really about, anyway.

Sixteen

I had a birthday yesterday, and have since been thinking about what I want to do with myself. Some people use January 1st as a day to realign their lives and evaluate their past, but I personally find birthdays to be better for that. So, their January 1st is my January 11th.
I just want to be happier as a 16 year-old. Not the kind of happy that denies the presence of sadness and darkness, but the kind of happy that exists despite circumstances and other feelings. This is found through Jesus Christ, the Savior of all the World and of each individual's world. I want my will to be his. I want to follow him.
I want to take risks and be more brave. As you probably know if you've ever interacted with me for a longish period of time I am rather shy and would rather just do what I can do well instead of do something else badly. My friend Xavier said the other day that it doesn't matter if you do something well, but rather if you try at all. I'm going to take that to heart. I will take the initiative to help others who could benefit from me. I will do extremely embarrassing things when the situation calls for it, even if that means people thinking I am silly. I will laugh. I will be more open. I will be more confident. I don't mean I will have some sort of unfounded belief that everybody I meet will like me for who I am. I know that that is wrong, because I have had people not like me. By 'confidence' I mean the ability to be who I need to be, regardless of how this will affect people's opinions. I get really hung up on what people think. I want them to see me as a graceful, elegant, accomplished woman who doesn't make a fool of herself, but that is harmful in many ways as well as simply being false. I don't ever want anybody idolizing me or seeing me as above them. I want to make mistakes every day, not to be mediocre, but to prove that I am trying and that this failure is just another rock on the path to being extraordinary. Anybody who looks completely put together is somebody who isn't pushing themselves to try new things.
I will be more gracious. I've been having problems with forgiving people and being as tender as I should be, but that is not who I want to be. I want to be a reflection of Christ, even if it is somewhat cloudy at times.
I have great hopes for my sixteenth year of life. Two years until I will be graduated from high school, if everything goes as planned. Three years until college. From there I go to the rest of my life. It's a time to start accepting that I am in fact becoming an adult and to be ready to actually make a contribution instead of just being there. This is going to be great. I look forward to seeing what I make of it.

You know those days when everything goes right, but you're still just angry? I've been having one of those. Yeah... It is not at all fun. I despise it.
But you know what? It is absolutely my choice. I can fix it somehow, I know I can. I don't even have any really good reason to. I mean, it's a great excuse to mope around in my room listening to My Chemical Romance and that's nice sometimes. But what do I really gain from being angry? Damaged relationships, inability to focus, duller spirit, and general unhappiness? I could do without, thank you.
So, I will fix this. It's going to be so much better. This is my last week of being fifteen, and I want to end with an increased self-awareness and an ability to be in tune with myself and the Spirit enough to tell when I'm going down negative paths and stop right then. It will be an interesting experiment.