Hope of Israel

Mighty God, Holy One of Israel, Consolation of Israel, Counsellor,  Son of God, Hope of Israel, Mighty One of Jacob, Our Peace, Carpenter, the Prophet, Bread of Life, Rabbi, Righteous Man, Messiah, Good Shepherd, Friend, Master, Holy Child, Wonderful, King, Blessed of God, Elder Brother, Advocate with the Father, Son of David, Redeemer, Bridegroom, The Lord Omnipotent, Son of Man, the Word, Teacher, Judge, the Way, the Truth, the Life, Messenger of the Covenant, Friend,  Lamb of God, Alpha and Omega, Jehovah, Comfort, and Emmanuel. These are all names of Jesus Christ, whose birth we commemorate today.
There isn't any gift more precious than that of the life of the begotten Son of the Father. His earthly ministry, his sacrifice, his resurrection, and his continuing revelation are so, so beautiful. I can't even express how thankful I am to have him.
I don't know what else to do with this post. Just, take time to think about Jesus Christ today, and the hope that he represents for all mankind and for you.

Mission Statement

Everybody has a reason for living. I don't have any idea what yours is. During Personal Leadership I had to think about my own reason some more, and was finally able to come up with a mission statement for my own life. It helps me sometimes when I'm caught up in the apathy that tends to sneak into my heart sometimes, so I want to share it with you here:

"I will be cheerful. I will have hope. Discouraging things happen. Life’s hard. But I will greet it with a smiling heart anyway.

"I will do everything in my power to be free mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. I will never do anything that binds my soul through addictions. I will avoid unhealthy relationships. I will take care of my body. I will take time to exercise my mind, spirit, heart, and body every day. 

"I will build meaningful relationships. Relationships are one of the most important things in this life. In order to have meaningful and healthy relationships, I will connect with others who build up my values and encourage me to live the way I want to live. I will also be a support for them, and help them live according to their values. I will be empathetic, while still keeping a sense of who I am.

"I will give myself completely to whatever endeavors I take up. I will be present. I will live purposefully. I will be awake. I will be vibrant and truly alive. I will take risks. 

"Above all, I will dedicate myself to my god. Everything I do should be to serve him and develop my nature to become like him. I will serve. I will repent. I will listen to his words. I will preach his gospel. I will strive to live my life in such a way that people see him through me. I will love him with everything I have. I will remember that I am his."

I hope you have written or decide to write a statement for your self. Really. I want you to be happy, and I think it will help you to have a clear vision of who you want to be. 

Judgments

People always seem to have opinions on things they know very little or nothing about. Most of the time, these opinions are very silly and also held very deeply. I guess it's natural, but still something to work on eradicating.
For example, I used to think that there was absolutely no use for either pop or rap. They seemed to sound awful and hold highly immoral opinions. No exceptions, no investigations. Then I took a class about music, and as part of that had to analyze a number of pop and rap songs. I realized that it was nothing short of foolish to label a whole group of music as bad just because of a few songs. Now I've been looking into more pop songs and rap songs, and I like quite a bit of it (as hard as that is to admit.)
That example is a fairly innocent one. I never hated anybody because they like stupid music. Sometimes people do, though. They make judgments about races. They don't take time to learn about religions before judging them as terrorists or idiots. They hear one little thing about a person, and assume that it applies to the rest of the person.
Think about some areas in which you judge hastily. Now choose one to become more informed about. Be careful. Your character is at stake.

Legalized Murder

Cal Coburn Brown was killed by lethal injection on September 10th, 2010. Brown had been sentenced to death for the rape and murder of a young woman, and he was the last case of capital punishment in Washington state. Since then, the current governor of Washington, Jay Inslee, has suspended use of the death penalty in our state.
I hesitate to say this, but sometimes people simply need to die for things that they have done. I don't say that they deserve to die, because I don't know if that is accurate, and rather have a feeling that it isn't. They just need to die in order to provide some semblance of justice and prevent repeat crimes by these individuals. The point of this post isn't to prove the point that capital punishment is in fact necessary, but I needed to introduce it with that background.
Sometimes, we as citizens become detached from events, and even try to make things out as different than they actually are. We pretend that our politicians aren't corrupt (which is a very difficult mindset to keep), we pretend that violent crime isn't a common occurrence, we pretend that we don't have huge amounts of adults and children living on the streets, we pretend that we don't live lives of excess and selfishness. The list could go on and on, but one of the biggest things we do is pretend that our government doesn't kill people, or at least minimize what that means. We use the term "capital punishment" instead of "legalized murder". We use operations such as lethal injections to make it look like a medical procedure, so we don't have to see the blood and pain that usually accompany death. Right now the only two available options for execution in my state are lethal injection and hanging, and hanging is only available by special request.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. It is my opinion that the only way that our murders can be justified is if we as a nation see them for what they really are. It is truly disgusting to have our sensibilities offended by this while still approving these methods. Talking about death is considered to be in bad taste, yet we sit back and do nothing while sterile and "humane" procedures of killing people happen in our approved government. As Victor Hugo says in Les Miserables, "We may remain more or less open-minded on the subject of the death penalty, indisposed to commit ourselves, so long as we have not seen a guillotine with our own eyes." The problem is that we don't see guillotines; we see vaccinations.
This willful ignorance, this brutality of trying to be merciful is truly revolting. Take a side. This issue is too important to ignore. Talk about it. Do something.

Being Tender

We walk around exposed to pain. Our flesh is on the outside, just waiting to be hurt. We walk around exposed to all the thorns, rocks, and other things or people who wish to injure us. Some animals have shells on the outside, protecting them. We don't. Our soft bodies are just open to everything.
This seems pretty silly. But the thing is, it lets us feel everything else, too. We can feel the beautiful things, like a baby's skin, or rose petals, or mud. That is worth all the pain.
So it is with hearts. We have a choice. We can harden our hearts and build an exoskeleton to protect ourselves from pain, or we can allow ourselves to be tender and vulnerable. I personally think the last option is best, because I want to be happy.

Grateful for Trials in Life

I feel like as a whole, our society is pretty hypocritical. This is true in a lot of things, but I find it particularly evident now, as Thanksgiving approaches. We talk about being grateful for what we have and giving thanks, but we only extend that as far was what is pleasant. We gives thanks for our food, for our friends, for our homes. We ignore or complain about our sicknesses, our pains, our tragedies.
So, I want to break that. This is my third Thanksgiving post, I believe. But usually I do the same thing and only talk about the things that make me happy. I want to do something different.
I am thankful that I am struggling with school right now. It's taught me time management, discipline, and humbled me. I usually excel academically, but not so much this semester. It's been difficult to admit that I am in fact normal and have to work really, really hard to get good grades and learn things well.
I am thankful for the relationship issues I've had with people. Through them I am learning how to be more gentle, more obedient, and to look to God for guidance more. I am learning how to 'disagree agreeably'. While many of my family members and a few of my friends would tell you that I need to work on that still, I think I've made some progress. These arguments and such hurt a lot, but I'm grateful for this opportunity.
I'm thankful for people leaving, both by moving and just not talking to me. I have had a lot of people move far away recently, leaving for missions, to college, or other issues that life brings up. I am very tender regarding these issues even from a few months back, but it helps me learn to deal with pain and not be as dependent on people. People just not having interest in being my friend anymore is a worse pain even, but once again it teaches me how to depend on God rather than man.
There are other things I could write about, but I think that's a good start for now. I really am so thankful that Heavenly Father allows us to have challenges and pains. How else would we learn so much and eventually become like him? It just wouldn't happen, so I am working on praising him for all things. All things.

My Missionary

My friend Charity just left on her mission. I miss her so, so much already even though she just left this morning. It seems different than when she went to college even. I guess it could just be that she's leaving for a full year and a half, and that two of my other friends and my brother are either gone or getting ready to leave, too.
Charity is a really, really wonderful person. I am incredibly proud of her for choosing to spend this portion of her life sharing the gospel and helping others have the happiness that the gospel brings. Alabama is so lucky to have her.
Pretty much, she's going to be the best missionary. She's already been one of the best friends, teachers, and (kind of) sisters. She will change the world.

Standing As An Everyday Witness

"We will 'stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places'..."  Every week I recite the Young Women Theme. I promise to be a witness of God, always. Not just in church. Not just at home, or school, or special occasions. Always.
So, how can I do that? How can I be his witness? I have a list, and some of these things include listening to people, reaching out to those who are lonely or hurting, serving, being cheerful, being modest in action and language, and just being a good person. Above all of these wonderful things, I have chosen to work most actively on talking about God more often.
See, talking about my feelings is difficult sometimes. It's easier with bearing testimony of the gospel than with emotions, but sometimes it is still difficult to bear witness of the reality of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior. I know that they live, and that they love us. I know that completely. It just seems awkward to bring up. Like, imagine this conversation:
"Hey, what's up?"
"God is up. Here, have some scriptures. And come to church. Also, be baptized while you're at it."
It just wouldn't work very well. It's also a pretty good way to make people uncomfortable around you, and probably isolate yourself from many friends/acquaintances.
So, I just try to turn people to God when they need advice, or when an opportunity occurs. This conversation is much better:
"What should I do?"
"I would suggest praying to Heavenly Father. This is a tough situation, and I really don't know how to handle it, but He does."
Or,
"Wow! The sunrise is so beautiful!"
"Isn't it? God sure knew what he was doing when he made our earth."

Just little things. They really don't take that much effort, and I feel like talking of them is the least we can do thank Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for all that they've done for us.

Annabelle and Izabelle

I have two baby sisters now. Annabelle turned one year old last week, and Izabelle is just a couple of weeks old. I never thought I would have any baby sisters and had been forced to accept my position as one of the 'littles' in the family. Not anymore. Now I can be a big sister to my little baby girls, and hopefully help them be strong as they grow up and get hurt. I don't want them to be hurt ever, but I know that it's going to happen.
I want my baby sisters to grow up kind, gentle, loving, strong, joyful, intelligent, optimistic, brave, and faithful. I can see that they're meant to be so beautiful. They are already. It's so hard, though, when people are mean and things don't work out the way we want.
Annabelle is so bright. Joy just shines out of her and lights up everybody who happens to be near her. She is so intelligent, persistent, and loving. It doesn't hurt that she is really good at snuggling, too. And she happens to like me, which is always a plus.
I don't know Izabelle very well yet, because she just came home a couple of days ago. But I have every confidence that she is just as beautiful as Annabelle. Already she's proven that she is particularly excellent at making funny faces, which I am very fond of.
I love my babies. <3

My Future

Last Monday my Personal Leadership class learned about dating and marriage. I have no idea why we learned about that, but it was fun anyway. As part of this we went over what we want in our spouse, marriage/family, and how we want to live.  I've kind of gone over this before on this blog, but something else that happened made me feel like I should again.
Anyway, I want a husband who I respect and who respects me. That really is all I need. In addition, though, I want to be able to change along with him, to grow and be able to develop instead of feeling pressure to always be exactly the same. I want somebody who is joyful. I want somebody to have adventures with. I want somebody who isn't perfect, but is working on it and healing. I want somebody who I can help.
I want my marriage and family to be based on service. I want us to trust each other deeply. I want us to laugh together. I want us to teach each other and learn together. I want us to all look towards Christ for direction in everything. I want us to have reason to love each other.
On a more personal level, I want to live my life based on values rather than things. I want to make time for what really matters, like the gospel, friends/family, and reflection. I want to have such inner peace that I can't possibly have outer conflict.
Just thinking about living this way makes me feel like I actually have somewhere to go. I have a purpose. I know what I want to do. I know what I want to be. I just have a lot of work to do in order to get there.

Stake Dance

Last Saturday I went to a church dance, like I do every month. I was able to think about quite a few things while I was out, and I think they're important enough to share.
First, how awesome it is when people are kind and friendly. My friend Brenden held doors for me and helped make me feel better about the general situation of having to wait out slow dances when guys wouldn't ask me. My friend Dallin and another wonderful person came and escorted me to their group when they saw me standing alone. Dallin also got me from the other room, just to dance with him because I was alone. Xavier stopped by to smile and say something, and it just made my whole evening. This group of girls I don't know stopped to introduce themselves and make sure I was okay, because my face sometimes looks really sad/lonely/angry (which is usually a problem at social events.) Danielle said hi. A few people smiled. Everybody who danced with me was just really kind. Ethan promised to teach me about his business class next time I see him. If any of you are reading this, thank you so much for being great.
Second, I learned about how focusing on self brings less happiness. Being at dances is always slightly uncomfortable, especially when most of my friends don't show up. Most of the time I was by myself, not really sure what I should do. I didn't want to go hang out with my friends for various reasons, and some of the attempts at being with strangers went very badly. So, when I thought about my own situation I felt pretty awful. When I made up stories and such in my head I was happier. When I took time to try to be kind to other people I was happiest.
I tried out helping other people after seeing this picture of Jesus in the hallway:

Jesus served people. I shouldn't be so selfish and avoid serving people just because it's a little uncomfortable sometimes. I wasn't able to do very much, but the little I did do hopefully helped them to feel a little happier.

The last thing I can remember really thinking about was how every person there was feeling some sort of pain. I don't know anything about most of them, but it's there. And we all can heal each other. It's our responsibility as brothers and sisters to try to help as much as we can.

There were a few miscellaneous things that I thought about, too. Like how awkward it was to be made to put on a tank top because my dress was too low cut, how to make conversation, and how to stop staring at people. I think I covered the main points, though.

Choose Wisely

 It's been said that we become the five people who we spend the most time with. I've been thinking about this for a while. I'm pretty content with who I spend my time with, as far as my family and friends go. But I'm not entirely sure about everything else I do.
Take music, for instance. Do I really want to be like Avenged Sevenfold? Or Taylor Swift? Elvis Presley? Not really, yet I spend so much of my time with them.
Or social media. I really, really don't want to be a collection of random, silly things from Pinterest or Facebook. I realized this a while ago and cut down on my use of them, but I still don't think they need to be as big a part of my life as they are.
Also, I don't spend nearly as long as I should with the great men and women of the ages. Pretty much I work on school, and then my brain's so tired that I don't do any more. But that isn't an excuse. I just need to try harder, because I want my life to be great. Not mediocre.

Anyway, it's just something to start thinking about. Maybe you need to change something, too. It's always worth examining. 

Conflict

I have an amazing friend. His name is Dallin, and he is one of the best people I know. Sometimes he says some of the wisest things I have ever heard, and this post is about one of those things that he told me a few days ago.
It was about revenge. I am going to give a summary here, but not explain it too much. He explained much better than I could.
Basically, when we get into conflicts we want to come out on top by tearing others down. That is exactly how Satan wants us to feel. He wants us to take satisfaction in tearing down and destroying others. That's pretty twisted.
When this happens, we need to step outside of ourselves and try to calm down so we can accurately see the situation. In the heat of the moment we don't usually see things clearly. We need to calm down and think about how both parties can be happy.

Now, this alone has been incredibly beneficial for me. Let's take it one step further, though.
Sometimes, Satan sends us lies about ourselves. He wants us to destroy and tear down ourselves.
Scary, huh? It is so much easier to think these things about ourselves, and even for some people to physically harm themselves. We have to put up with ourselves constantly, and we know all the darkest parts of our souls.
I earnestly entreat you not to listen to Satan. Be patient and kind with yourself. Don't hurt yourself. You are truly a beautiful creation of the Almighty, even if you do not feel like it. You deserve love. You really do.

Eli

Yesterday I was able to spend a few hours with my brother Eli. I love him dearly. Before and after a church event yesterday we got to just hang out. Time just with me and my brother.

Work, church, and various social things get in the way of being able to hang out with him. It makes me so sad, because I need a little more of him in my life.

He is so steady, kind, patient, gentle, funny, and hardworking. He always treats me like a princess, even though I am sometimes very rude and saucy. He protects me. He helps me. He makes me smile. He teaches me.

Oh, and let's not forget his talents. He plays the guitar really well, and I love hearing him sing. He's good with children. He's super strong. He is methodical. He's able to calm people down so they actually start thinking. He serves in every possible aspect. Oh, and by now he should be excellent at cleaning gutters and windows, having been in his job for quite a few months.

He's leaving sometime in the next few months. He is going to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and spread the gospel. He's going to share his testimony courageously.

But I will miss him enormously. He is one of my biggest inspirations. I look up to him, and I always will. He's my big brother.

Success and Failure Through Running

Today something really frustrating happened. To understand how frustrating it was, though, I want to give you some background.
This summer I took a Couch to 10K running class. For the first few weeks I stuck to the schedule faithfully and did really well. I ran my first mile, then two, then three. I looked up nutrition plans and finally found a great way to eat and train through No Meat Athlete. I was really excited about running, I wasn't nearly as tired as I usually am, and I was just overall feeling great.
Then something happened which, as silly as it is, stopped me. I lost my iPod that told me how many miles I ran during my training. This is an incredibly ridiculous reason to stop running, but it stopped me.
So I didn't turn in my assignments for my class (resulting in an F on my transcript), I didn't run my 10K which my Young Women leader had been going to do with me, and I even stopped eating vegan. This past month or so I've been feeling overall bad, so today I decided to take up running. I figured I wouldn't be able to run as far as last time I ran, but I would at least be able to do a mile.
So I got ready, I went outside, and I went for it. But I didn't reach the mile mark. That, my friends, is the frustrating thing that happened today.
Yes, I'll just get back on my plan and it won't be a big deal, but I could have just kept on going in the first place and not had to start over. I am going to run a 10K someday. I just am, even though it's hard. But I still feel like I failed when I just gave up over the summer.
Thankfully, that isn't the final measure of success. It depends on your commitment today, not the times when you didn't measure up in the past.

Loved

One of the saddest things I have ever seen is a child of God who forgets that their Father has for them. Unfortunately, this happens all the time. Some of the most beautiful people I know forget how beautiful they are not only for themselves but for their spiritual heritage.

Our souls yearn for something higher than this earth, and yet we are stuck here where we are surrounded by pain, sorrow and general heartache. We are separated from our home and blinded, so we can't always keep an eternal view.

Fortunately, there is more than the pain that sometimes seems like the only thing. There is so much that is lovely in this world and the next. There is innocence and joy and trust, and we can always smile. Because we are each loved. Always.

To end this post, I want you to listen to  Believe, by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.
Please, please try to remember that you have heavenly help. Even in your bad times.

Lessons

Last week I started teaching piano to a little boy from church. Our first lesson went really well, and so did today's. The difference is that last week I actually took time to be dressed neatly, prepare a lesson, gather together my books, and spend a lot of time beforehand thinking about how best to serve this child.
Today I was generally disorganized, hadn't prepared a lesson, and didn't even remember we were supposed to have a lesson until my student came knocking on my door.
During the lesson I stumbled over my words and was generally absentminded. I was so absentminded, in fact, that I labelled my fingers using a Sharpie. Usually I am able to avoid being such a bad example for children, but I must confess that I now have semi-permanent numbers on each of my fingers. Hopefully my clarification afterward of that being a really bad idea helps him.
Somehow, everything went really well, even though it probably shouldn't have. My student had fun. I learned a lot. I think he learned something.

I don't really think there's much of a point to this post. Mostly it is just a reflection on some of the things I need to work on, such as being less spacey (and remembering to use my planners and SARs.)

"He Shall Direct Thy Paths"

"Heavenly Father knows us better than we know ourselves." Usually I just hear that and think that's really nice. But today it really struck me.
This is a super important principle, guys.
I don't really know myself very well. At all. I'm still figuring that out. So, until I know who I am, I am probably not be the best person to plan out my own life. I certainly don't want any other human planning it, though.
So it's a good thing Heavenly Father knows me. I can turn my life over to him. He can make it so much better than I can.

When I Get Married

When I get married someday, I don't want a relationship based merely on emotion. I want it based on service and Christlike love. See, things like this don't sound like a very solid foundation for the rest of your life:

I mean, this is nice. None of them are inherently bad, and they are probably great things to feel. But imagine basing your life off of feelings like this, which can pass away at any time. When it does pass, you're stuck with this person. Either get a divorce or stick through it, bickering with each other all the time and being generally miserable.
It seems to me that serving each other and loving each other with a heavenly love rather than just an earthly love is much more stable. For example, these:

I guess that is all I have to say. It's just something I think about fairly often, because I see marriages all around me, and some of them work well and some of them don't. I want mine to last forever.

My Sister

My big sister is beautiful. When I was smaller, we fought all the time, and sometimes we still get in minor fights. But whenever there's a day where I can take a few moments to just listen to her and appreciate her, I start seeing how lovely she is: her maturity, the deepness of her love, her earnest attempts to be better, her ideals for herself and her family. I just love her so much.

Change

Things change. People leave. It's part of life.
Right now, my big brother and two friends are preparing to go on a mission,  my friend is going to college, three of my cousins and then another friend are moving, and I had to experience some of my classmates graduating high school. That isn't even mentioning people that I just don't talk with anymore.
Do I like any of this? No, not really. I don't want people I love to leave. I would much rather have all of them stay right here. Then we could all be together, and it would be so happy.
But it's okay. Sometimes things happen, and we just have to deal with it. Everything will be all right.

My Educational Ideal

I recently finished a Study Skills class, and as part of that I put together a lapbook sort of thing for my educational ideal. Mostly this is just something to look at when I really, really don't want to study and lose my sense of purpose in education.
Here is a list of everything that I put in my book:

A picture of the angel Moroni.


"Always be where the Lord can find you."


A list of the Young Women Values: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity and Virtue.


"It is the rhythm of the dancers
That gives the poets life.
It is the spirit of the poets
That gives the soldiers strength to fight.
It is the fire of the young ones,
It is the wisdom of the old.
It is the story of the poor man
That's needing to be told."
-City on the Hill, by Casting Crowns

"A beautiful face doesn't mean anything without a beautiful heart."

"Remember all the sadness and frustration, and let it go."
-Iridescent, by Linkin Park

"Be with someone who makes you happy."

"The future belongs to hearts even more than it does to minds."
-Victor Hugo

"Beauty and ugliness surround us. We decide what we see."

"When you feel you're alone,
Cut off from this cruel world,
Your instincts telling you to run,
Listen to your heart.
Those angel voices,
They'll sing to you.
They'll be your guide
Back home.

When you're suffered enough
And your spirit is breaking,
You're growing desperate from the fight

Remember you're loved
And you always will be.

When life leaves us blind,
Love keeps us kind.
It keeps us kind."
-The Messenger, by Linkin Park

"I want my heart and my passion to be the most beautiful things about me."

"She had blue skin,
And so did he.
He kept it hid,
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by-
And never knew."
-Shel Silverstein

"Do what is right, not what is easy."

"To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."
-Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

"Awaken."

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell."
-Belle

A list of possible people in my future family:
Atticus Gregory
Caitlyn Leann
Laurence Levi
Persephone Lynn
Marcab Eli
Laura Rose
Dallin Pierce
Hope Ryanne
Brenden Xavier
Anna Jane
David Emmanuel
Stephanie Vin
Jared Royal
Sarah Faith
And especially for my husband, whoever he is.

"We're lost in a cloud
With too much rain.
We're trapped in a world
That's troubled with pain.
But as long as a man
Has the strength to dream,
He can redeem his soul and fly.

Deep  in my heart, there's a trembling question.
Still I am sure that the answer is gonna come somehow.
Out there in the dark there's a beckoning candle,
And while I can think, while I can talk,
While I can stand, while I can walk,
While I can dream,
Please let my dream
Come true."
-If I Can Dream, by Elvis Presley

"Because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path, utterly alone, we don't have to."
- Jeffrey R. Holland

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
-e.e. cummings

"Adversity: Let it make you better, not bitter."

"Today is the day!"

"I hate the idea that, when it comes to books and learning, hard is often seen as the opposite of fun. It's strange to me that we should be so quick to give up on a book or a math problem when we are so willing to grapple for centuries, if necessary, with a single level of Angry Birds."
-John Green

A picture of a tree.

A list of some qualities that one of my best friends sees in me, and I am trying to develop.

A list of how far I want to be in thirty years in these areas:
Language Skills
Places Travelled
Relationships
Writing Skills
Reading Skills
Math Skills
Relationship Skills
Visual Arts Skills
Musical Skills
Core Knowledge/Skills
Impact
Other

Anyway, that's all I have. So far it has helped me a lot, while working on academic subjects, building relationships, and trying to be a generally good person.

Infinite Shades of Grey

"We are all assumed these days to reside at one extreme of the opinion spectrum or another. We are pro-abortion, anti-abortion. We are free traders or protectionist. We are pro-private sector or pro-big government. We are feminists or chauvinists. But in the real world, few of us hold these extreme views. There is instead a spectrum of opinion."
-Michael Crichton
This will help us a lot, I think, in trying to be kind and compassionate people.  Just want to leave this with you today.

My Stance on Gay Marriage

Gay marriage. Hearing that phrase makes me, personally, uncomfortable, just because whenever people start talking about it they usually wind up arguing heatedly.
I don't expect to change anybody's mind with this post, and it is mostly just for myself. But I figured I might as well share. Here are some questions I had about this issue, and answers that I found:
Question 1.
Why is this such a big deal?
I honestly can't figure out why. Why does part of society refuses to let the other part do get married? Why will the other part not be satisfied with civil unions, which are pretty much the same?
Question 2.
Do I think same sex marriage is morally right?
No. It isn't. God has said so, and I fully agree.
Question 3.
Do my own morals have to determine everybody else's lives?
No. People must make their own choices and decide on their own morals. It's a basic part of life. It is why we were sent here, actually. And if those choices don't infringe on anybody else's rights, it is not an issue that the government should forbid.
Question 5.
Is same sex marriage going to change anybody's lives materially?
Not really. Marriage is just an official recognition of a relationship. Anybody who is going to get married will be in a relationship, anyway. So this won't change anything except a name.
Question 6.
Is this going to harm the institution of the family?
Hmm. Does divorce harm the institution of the family? Yes. But do people still get divorced without good reason all the time? Yes. So even though this does redefine marriage, it is no worse than other things that are done all the time.
Honestly, a family should be defined by love and loyalty. If you are concerned about your children or whatever thinking that same sex marriage is a morally right thing, just teach them correct principles and let them decide.
Do I support the legalization of same sex marriage? Why?
Yes. I have thought this through, and I do not see any reason why two adults can't be recognized as married by the government. This might complicate things with religion, but as a civil matter there really isn't any reason to oppose this.

Anyway, that's what I think. Feel free to comment. (:

Learning From Debate Club

I am attempting to organize a debate club as a continuation of my class. Actually, I suppose it's all organized and ready to go. I'm just having a problem getting people to attend.
Right now I have one consistent attendee. Four others have shown up in varying degrees of consistency.
So I have been fairly upset about the whole situation, because it seems like whenever I try to do things like this with people they do not care at all after a few days.
I was talking to my mentor about this, and he asked, "Do you think anything valuable has come out of the experience, or are you mostly just bummed that it hasn't gone well?"
It has helped me. Situations come up in life all the time where we have to do good things, even if other people aren't as engaged as we are. If I have to deal with that problem throughout life anyway, I might as well start with something fairly insignificant, like this group. Yeah, it hurts me when people choose to stop being involved. But that's okay. I am learning how to cope with is.

This is something that is a huge thing to work on. I have a long way to go. But at least I've started.

The Purpose of Education

The purpose of education isn't to be like great men who have gone before. It is, rather, simply to be great. To find light. To improve the world through greatness bestowed by the original source, rather than just taking as true what great men have said.

Emerson, in his essay The American Scholar, said,

"Meek young men grow up in libraries, believing it their duty to accept the views, which Cicero, which Locke, which Bacon, have given, forgetful that Cicero, Locke, and Bacon were only young men in libraries, when they wrote these books.

Hence, instead of Man Thinking, we have the bookworm. Hence, the book-learned class, who value books, as such; not as related to nature and the human constitution, but as making a sort of Third Estate with the world and the soul."

We each have something to contribute to the world. Why would we want to be somebody else? Why would we want to be a copy of somebody who has already come and gone?

What I'm Learning From Mentoring

You know how I mentioned a few months back that I was starting Ninniachel Mentoring? Well, I still am working on that. I actually have a couple of students now. It took me a long time, but finally I have some people to help.

This has brought me an increased awareness of my strengths and weaknesses as a mentor. 

So, let's start with my weaknesses:

It turns out I am really bad at remembering to prepare for lessons. Sometimes it will be a lesson day and I will have to prepare as quickly as I can in the few minutes before we start the actual lesson.

This is completely remediable, and also a grievous fault that I should correct. 

Next, I tend to think that everybody has the same attention span that I have. This doesn't work so well with my 6 year-old student. At all.

Third, I get a little bit upset when people don't finish their homework or seem like they are listening. I don't show it, but I am working on not even feeling it. (It does give me more appreciation for how my mentors must feel when I sometimes don't submit things for a couple of weeks after they are due. Oops.)

Now, my strengths:

I love people. I love getting to know them more as people and working on individualizing their curriculum. I am teaching writing to my 11 year-old cousin right now, and seeing her individual writing style (as well as her personality traits) has been awesome.

I love the subject matter. Right now I am teaching writing and piano, and I am thrilled to be able to share these.

I am committed to actually teaching, instead of giving up. Yeah, I could improve on my consistency a little bit, but I think that is mainly because my current students are family and it seems impossible to develop a schedule with them.

I am passionate.

This has been an adventure so far. It has really shown me how much I don't know, and I want to work on that. I am so excited to continue.

Baby Dearest

"I think Annabelle was created to make pain," my 6 year-old cousin told me today.
I couldn't disagree more. This sweet little baby girl was created for an entirely different, entirely more glorious purpose.
She was created to bring joy. She was created to smile and laugh. To inspire us,  to be happy, to become even better every day.
She is beautiful. She is amazing. And I love her so much. It amazes me every day.

Divisions

The other day I was with a group of friends, and one of them was talking about how somebody she has a crush on is choosing to skip college and move straight on to farming instead. And the other people started making fun of him. (Maybe they weren't actually. Maybe I just imagined it, because I do that sometimes. But it seemed pretty harsh.)

How is somebody's choice to skip college something to be mocked? What does it even matter?

A little after this, I reread Emma, by Jane Austen And you know what everybody does in this novel? Judge people based on social status. That Mr. Martin, he is far too low for people of the likes of Emma Woodhouse to associate with. And the Coles, trying to associate with the really genteel classes even though they only gained their standing through trade. How awful.
(As a note, I do realize that Emma's society was based upon these class distinctions.)

Do we really want these divisions in our lives? Do we really want to assume things about people based merely on the outward 'evidences' that we can see? Do we want to assume that we are better than others, and that others are better than we are, based merely upon these silly things?

I don't, anyway. And though I do sometimes make judgments on initial introductions still, I am trying not to. because I want a better, happier life. I hope you do, too.

My Favorite Things

Sun rises.
Smiles.
Families.
The hugs friends give to each other after pouring out their souls.
Teddy bears, always available to listen and comfort.
People who are passionate about life.
Babies.
Happily married couples.
Weeds, being an example of persisting through great opposition.
Friends who can talk about almost anything.
Sunflowers.
Laughing with friends.
Rose buds.
Being happy.

Letters To My Future Family

I write letters to my future family about my schooling, particularly when I get really frustrated and just want to stop. When I can't seem to focus. When I think there isn't really any point in what I am doing. When I am doing badly.
This helps me focus more on the long-term perspective, and how going through all of the effort to actually do my work will help me in becoming who I want to be and doing what I want to do.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to share a letter with you, because they are for my family. But it will help illustrate what I mean, so I guess I will. I just went and looked through some of my homework and found this at the end of one of my weekly brief debates, when I had spent about five hours just in research on the relationship between the United States and Iran:

"Dear future family, I am doing this for you.

Yes, I do feel an obligation to my country to keep informed on current events, and yes, I do want to better myself. But just now when I was about to allow myself to be distracted I remembered a couple of things.

I remembered how I want to be able to teach my children not only about historical events like these affairs in Iran, but research skills. I want to be able to inspire you to better ourselves through studying. I don’t want you to look at mother and say that if she didn’t, neither do you.

Secondly, I remembered how I want my dearest friend in the world to be able to have intelligent conversation with his partner. I don't want him to have a silly wife who doesn't know anything about either academic subjects or how to appropriately be a respectable human being.

So thank you for inspiring me. <3"

Going Home

"And I soon go to the place of my rest, which is with my Redeemer; for I know that in him I shall rest. And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father. Amen."

-Enos 1:27

"And now it came to pass that his father died, being eighty and two years old, having lived to fulfil the commandments of God."

-Mosiah 29:45

"And now I bid unto all, farewell. I soon go to rest in the paradise of God, until my spirit and body shall again reunite, and I am brought forth triumphant through the air, to meet you before the pleasing bar of the great Jehovah, the Eternal Judge of both quick and dead. Amen."

-Moroni 10:34

This is how I want to feel when it's time for me to leave this earth. Like I'm going home, because that's what I am doing, really. Going home after having done my best to be better.

Elizabeth Rose

Last Saturday I got up at 2:00 in the morning and headed over to a birth center to be with my sister as she gave birth to her baby. This morning, a Tuesday,  she finally finished the process. She gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl.
Dear Lizzy, your mom had to go through so much to bring you here. Months of carrying you inside if herself, day of painful contractions during labor, hours of attempting to push you out of her body, and finally having to have you cut out. And she did all of this without you there To snuggle and help cope with the pain and fear. Because she loves you. This morning as she held you sleeping in her arms, she looked weak and tired from all of her exertions of the past few days. But so proud and happy, because she has the privilege of being your mother.
Then you woke up, and I heard your strong little voice crying out. I got to feel your soft skin. I saw your funny toes. And then, in spite of the doubts I had about my ability to hold something so small without damaging it, I got to hold you tight.
I love you, little darling. I want you to be strong, loved, wise, content, kind, and faithful. I want you to be happy.

My Anger Problem

The past few days have been really bad. Not because anything particularly bad has happened to me. I made them bad myself.

It started with me going to help one of my relatives make soup, which is normally a really fun thing. But on this day, everything my relative said got on my nerves. At first I was able to keep it in really well, and felt very triumphant about this. Like, "Yeah, this is fantastic. Take that, Satan." Then she said something slightly derogatory about another one of my family members, and suddenly all my anger came pouring out. This hurt her a lot.

Then I went home, where some of my friends are staying at the time. They said something rude about one of my cousins, and I started going off on them, too. At this point I was sensible enough to go do some chores. Wonderful choice, really.

But it didn't stop that day. I was shopping with two of my relatives, and they asked a question that irritated me slightly, so I spoke to them harshly. Just a little, but enough to make me feel bad.

There were numerous more incidents, but as I don't think you are interested in hearing about all of my shortcomings, I'm stopping there. For clarification, incidents like this aren't uncommon. However, usually it stays within my closest family circle, and even there it has mostly subsided in the last few months.

I can think of multiple reasons why I might be so short lately, but none of them justify this response. All I can do is try to change, and rely on my Savior.

"Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand."
-How Firm A Foundation 

(Also, following Treebeard's sage advice works: "Don't be hasty.")

What I Want

You know what I really want to do?
I want to be sunshine.
I want to help people.
I want to smile.
I want to dance.
I want to make music.
I want to love. I want to love people so much that they can't possibly feel unhappy or unwanted. I want to love them so much that they will realize just how important they really are.

Growing Up

I am afraid of so many things. Abandonment, failure, and anything about water animals are just a few. But what's been pressing on my mind most,  lately, is growing up.
I am fifteen years old. In three years, I will be legally an adult. In four years I plan to be either serving a mission or attending college. Sometime after that I plan to get married.
All of the things above sound lovely, except that I feel miserably unprepared. The only logical solution to this is to prepare myself, so I want to do that. In order to help me with this preparation, I wrote a vision for what I want to be doing next year, in five years, and in ten years. This should help me see what I need to do to prepare and give me focus when I am discouraged, even if my phrasing is awkward sometimes. The first one is definitely most clear, because it is closer and I can understand more what it will be like. (I got this idea from my friend's blog post, which is so beautiful that it almost makes me not want to share mine.)
Anyway, the following is what I wrote:
One Year-
"Today I finished the last of my classes for the school year. Taking five classes in addition to my independent studies was definitely a struggle, putting in around thirty hours a week of studying, but I finished. I didn't do everything perfectly. But I learned so much about myself and the subjects I studied, and I even did pretty well on most assignments.
The classes that I am teaching start up again soon, now that I am a little less busy. I have more clients than last year, and have significantly increased in skill. Also, I am more clear on what Ninniachel Mentoring really is, so I can help potential students understand what they're getting into.
French and Piano have both been going very well. I can even speak somewhat understandably in French, which is a small miracle.
Oh, and I'm officially the age where I can date. So that's cool."
Five Years (version 1):
"I've been on a mission for a full year now. Only six months left. Six months until I have to go back home and find new ways of serving the Lord. It seems slightly unreal, that there is anything other than preaching the truth all day long, every day.
I'm not always successful as far as numbers of converts, but I know that the Lord is pleased that I am trying. He gives me help every single day.
When I go back home I'll head to college to start getting further formal education. I'll continue working on Ninniachel Mentoring. But right now that doesn't matter. Because I'm right where I should be."
Five Years (version 2):
"I'm married to my best friend in the whole world. Never did I imagine that I would be one to get married so young, but here I am. Twenty years old and ready to face the rest of my life with my husband by my side.
The best thing about this is that he and I understand each other. We're working towards the same thing. We both want to be faithful servants of the Lord.
My mentoring has been going very well. I'm still attending college and am very busy, but make sure that my mentoring gets adequate attention. I have multiple mentors who do most of the teaching, but I teach a few students and make sure to be in contact with the rest.
Overall, everything's lovely."
Ten Years:
My husband and I are expecting a baby. Although this is still a huge event, over the past few years I think we have both been more prepared for this.
We've saved enough money that we now own a house, with a nice garden out back to help us be more self-sufficient. We both finished college, and are ready to fully devote our time to other pursuits.
Ninniachel Mentoring is still doing very well. It has grown significantly, so now much of the running has to be done by others. But it still is something that I am personally invested in, and is a force for good in the world.
So, I'm happy. And my husband's happy. And although there are definitely trials, life is good."

"O Death, Where is Thy Sting?"

The other night I had a dream. In this dream, two of my family members died. We were burying them when the dream ended. I woke up crying and hurting really badly, but then I looked up and saw a picture of my family, right after most of us were sealed together in the temple, and my heart was filled with gratitude for this family that will be together past death.
This is possible only through Christ. He has overcome death and hell for us. For you. For me.
This is why I love Easter. It is a celebration of Jesus Christ's triumph.

So, here are some song lyrics that I want to share with you about Christ:
"Restore, my dear Savior,
The light of thy face;
Thy soul-cheering comfort impart;
And let the sweet longing
For thy holy place
Bring hope to my desolate heart."
-Redeemer of Israel

"How could the Father tell the world of love and tenderness?
He sent his Son, a newborn babe, with peace and holiness.
How could the Father show the world the pathway we should go?
He sent his Son to walk with men on earth, that we may know.
How could the Father tell the world of sacrifice, of death?
He sent his Son to die for us and rise with living breath."
-He Sent His Son

" Lives again our glorious King,
Alleluia!
Where, O death, is now thy sting?
Alleluia!
Once he died our souls to save,
Alleluia!
Where thy victory, O grave?
Alleluia!
Love's redeeming work is done,
Alleluia!
Fought the fight, the vict'ry won,
Alleluia!
Jesus' agony is o'er,
Alleluia!
Darkness veils the earth no more,
Alleluia!"
-Christ The Lord is Risen Today

"Fair are the meadows,
Fairer the woodlands,
Robed in the flowers of blooming spring;
Jesus is fairer,
Jesus is purer.
He makes the sorrowing spirit sing."
-Beautiful Savior

"I'm Glad That You Were Born"

My family takes care of a baby five days a week, for about twelve hours every day. I love this baby very dearly.

When I am around her, I want to be more patient, more kind, and more loving so she can be happy and learn how to be a good person. I want to make sure that she doesn't have to be hurt by my faults. I want to teach her about Christ.

It's strange, how different this is. I love everybody. I especially love my family. But even though I love them just as much as I love this baby, it isn't quite as easy for me to be good around anyone else.

These lyrics from a song in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers express just how I feel about this beautiful baby girl:

"Through your eyes skies look brighter

Grass more green clouds are whiter.

When you're close cares grow lighter,

I'm glad that you were born.

Through your eyes hills stretch higher.

When you smile you inspire hearts to sing in a choir.

I'm glad that you were born.

Born to laugh, born to dream

Born to spread your light.

Through your eyes I see clearer

You being God so much nearer.

Life has grown so much dearer

I'm glad that you were born."

Light

Darkness is simple. It is the absence of light, not some evil to be feared. But when we are kept in it, it becomes something that is fear itself.
I thought that I wasn't afraid of the dark anymore. And I was right in a sense, because I don't fear the same things that I used to, like goblins and other monsters. But now I have an irrational emotional reaction.
Darkness is stifling. It feels all-encompassing and eternal. It disables, depresses, and suffocates us in the feeling of being lost.

But there is a solution: look towards the light. The solution to spiritual darkness is the same. We look towards the light of Christ.

 "Yes, from time to time our lives may seem to be touched by, or even wrapped in, darkness. Sometimes the night that surrounds us will appear oppressive, disheartening, and frightening.

My heart grieves for the many sorrows some of you face, for the painful loneliness and wearisome fears you may be experiencing.

Nevertheless, I bear witness that our living hope is in Christ Jesus! He is the true, pure, and powerful entrance to divine enlightenment.

I testify that with Christ, darkness cannot succeed. Darkness will not gain victory over the light of Christ.

I bear witness that darkness cannot stand before the brilliant light of the Son of the living God!"

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"That They Might Be Convinced"

I think I found part of why I need to be here on the earth. Yeah, that's a big topic and a large statement. But it's true.
Alma 23 is about the sons of Mosiah. The first few verses outline how the king of the Lamanites ordered that they might safely preach. Verse 3 describes part of why they preach, and the part that specifically speaks ot me is this:
"...that they might be convinced that they were all brethren, and that they ought not to murder, nor to plunder, nor to steal, nor to commit adultery, nor to commit any manner of wickedness."
Now, there are a lot of things that I feel are part of my mission. Scatter sunshine. Create beauty. Comfort the weary. This verse adds to this list.
I want to teach the gospel. I want to teach love. I want to teach how to be happy.

Quiet Acts of Service

I have been trying to finish Personal Progress by November 23rd, and as part of this I just finished Good Works #1. (In case you don't know, Personal Progress is a program for LDS young women designed to help come unto Christ. To learn more, go here: https://www.lds.org/young-women/personal-progress?lang=eng )

Anyway, this particular experience started with reading a few scriptures and then says, "For two weeks record in your journal the quiet acts of service your family members and others perform. Acknowledge their service in some meaningful way.". Nothing that I have written was extraordinary, but I find it so beautiful that people serve others every day. There were many more acts that I could have written down, but remembering to do that is very difficult. Here is my list:
Mom took my brother out for some quality time.
Eli picked up some garbage that the dog dug up.
Grandma let me practice on her piano.
Ethan loaned me his quote book.
My teacher picked up a pen that one of the students dropped.
Caitlyn picked a song for the student who had devotional and didn't want to pick one.
Caitlyn came to hang out with me at a YW activity when everybody else was doing other stuff.
A leader talked to me.
Dallin told me to have a wonderful night when I was feeling down.
Sam held a door.
Erik helped me make dinner.
Eli made my family popcorn.
Mom took me to the library to hang out.
Dallin listens.
Mom gets up early to drive us to seminary, when she doesn't have to.
Erik got me a glass of water.
Jace let me color with him.
Susie gave me some oranges.
Julie came to work for Grandma.
Erik let the baby lay down in his seat.
Kelsey gave Mom a break by taking the baby for a while.
Mom babysits the baby every day.
Susie took me to the musical at our high school.
Nik bought Eli an Italian soda.
Eli and Raven brought in wood for Grandma.
Dad took the baby so Mom could eat breakfast.
Mom let Eli drive.
Eli took time out of his day to listen to something I wanted to show him.
Mom took Kelsey out.
Dad helped me with remembering how to do percentages.
My friend gave her bedroom away so her uncle could stay.
My friend's dad broke the pattern of how he drops people off after seminary in order to get my friend home on time to get to school.
My seminary teacher answered our really weird questions, like "are there going to be dinosaurs in heaven".
Ethan picked up the die our group dropped.
Mom gave me hugs.

Baby Mine

Recently I watched Dumbo. I do not know why I haven't done this more often, since it has the cutest elephant ever created and makes me happy (in some parts). There are so many things I want to write about it here, but I am going to try to focus on just one thing.
In case you don't know, Dumbo is a baby elephant with enormous ears. All of the other elephants (except his mother, Mrs. Jumbo) make fun of him for this. His mother gets locked up in a box all by herself. He's having a very sad life.
Partway through the movie Dumbo is feeling really down and goes to see his mother. She sings this song to him:

"Baby mine, don't you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
Never to part, baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,
Pay no heed what they say.
Let those eyes sparkle and shine,
Never a tear, baby of mine.

From your head to your toes,
You're not much, goodness knows.
You are so precious to me,
Sweet as can be, baby of mine."

This love reminds me of Jesus on the cross, instructing John to take care of Mary. This is true love.

The Greatest Commandments

Recently I attended an event where a group of friends and I got together to hang out for a couple of days. It was fun for the most part, but at night time when I went to bed, I felt deeply lonely. It wasn't just that I had gone to bed before anybody else, and was actually alone. I can handle being alone just fine, and usually love it. I just can't handle feeling lonely.
So I opened my scriptures. I found Matthew 22:36-40, which reads

  Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

 This is the first and great commandment.

 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Then I realized something. If God loves us, everything he asks of us is meant to make us happy. And if these two commandments are the greatest things he asks us to live by, they will make us the happiest.

I still felt lonely afterwards, but it wasn't nearly as bad, because I had a solution. That solution is love.

Created in His Image

I love receiving and giving letters. To me, seeing a person's handwriting is like seeing a piece of who they really are. I was communicating this to my Father in Heaven one day last week, and I felt him telling me that there was a way to see his handwriting, too.
It is in the trees. It is in how moonlight reflects on the water. But mostly, it is in us, his sons and daughters, who are created in his image, that he communicates himself.
We each have a piece of him in us. We have pieces of his soul. We are his.

Birthdays

I am fifteen. Like it usually does, my birthday has reminded me of how strange the passing of years is (as well as how loved I am and how much love I have). Every year I expect that I will magically be stronger, wiser, and generally better due to the fact that I'm a year older. Then I discover that nothing has changed suddenly.
Rather, I have changed by degrees so small that I myself don't even notice until a few years later. The change from twelve to thirteen, thirteen to fourteen, and now fourteen to fifteen has been marked only by my anticipation of the number that now defines how long I have lived on this earth. I have been much the same from the 10th of January to the 11th. But I am not the same person I was three years ago. If that person and who I am today were put together side by side, they wouldn't be recognizable as the same person (save by physical appearance).
So, all I can do is realize that wisdom is not marked by how much time passes by, but rather by what we do with that time in making ourselves better. And wait for my sixteenth birthday, when I will obviously be so much wiser, because who isn't when they turn sixteen.

A Question for the Scholar

Here's a question to ask as you pursue your education and studies:
How are you going to change your character based on what you have learned about this subject?

Because, really, this is the purpose of the most noble education: making changes in order to become a better person. A person who can change the world for the better.